Inspirational Quotes by Jim Gaffigan

My new years resolution? I will be less laz...

— Jim Gaffigan

Whenever you correct someone's grammar just remember that nobody likes you.

— Jim Gaffigan

Bacon's the best. Even the frying of bacon sounds like applause.

— Jim Gaffigan

Meredith Baxter Birney gets beaten by a rod, in the Lifetime Original, Rod.

— Jim Gaffigan

You wanna know how good bacon is? To improve other food, they wrap it in bacon.

— Jim Gaffigan

I have more pictures of my children than my father ever looked at me,

— Jim Gaffigan

You ever read a book that changed your life? Me neither.

— Jim Gaffigan

I'm bald, blind and pale. I'm like a gigantic recessive gene.

— Jim Gaffigan

You don't use mayonnaise, why? ... Are you addicted to mayonnaise? Is it okay if I use mayonnaise? I could go outside...

— Jim Gaffigan

Isn't it strange -- when you're single, all you see is couples, and when you're part of a couple, all you see…

— Jim Gaffigan

You ever talk about a movie with someone that read the book? They're always so condescending. 'Ah, the book was much better…

— Jim Gaffigan

Anyone know if the shuttles to Hell will have Wifi? Asking for a friend.

— Jim Gaffigan

Ever eat so much you feel sick? Isn't that the best?

— Jim Gaffigan

I only dated one Asian girl, but she was very Asian. She was a panda.

— Jim Gaffigan

You know, I want to teach, but I don’t want to read?

— Jim Gaffigan

Hey, people who travel with their bed pillow. You look insane.

— Jim Gaffigan

Kale is a superfood and it’s special power is tasting bad.

— Jim Gaffigan

What exactly are the ingredients of Ranch dressing? Mayo and disappointment?

— Jim Gaffigan