You ever buy a book and not read it? You feel almost guilty having it up on a bookshelf. People are like,… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I don't know, I find that honestly, the stand-up thing in some ways is a little bit of a cliche to carry… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
No matter how you feel about your extended family or family gatherings you will be attending. This is because now the ultimate… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
People get burned out in big families, you can even see it in the naming of children. Like the first kid, "You… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
Award shows are really silly. I'm very happy for the people that win the awards, and I can say they're really silly,… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I'm definitely hesitant wearing shorts during the summer. Like for a pale person, you know, summer - everyone in the world is… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I always seem to be chosen to do very flattering things like the beard comb over or go to the bathroom with… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I do Sierra Mist commercials not because they pay me a lot of money or because it only takes a couple of… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I told my son, who's 11, "Look, I don't care if you curse - it's other people that care." So we tried… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
If I was on an airplane, the people in coach would know who I am. But no one in first class would… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I grew up in a Catholic family in the Midwest. And I knew people of different faiths and people that were atheists… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I love sleep. I need sleep. We all do, of course. There are those people that don't need sleep. I think they're… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I live in New York City, but it doesn't matter if you're in any large, metropolitan area, there's kind of a little… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
A lot of people are like, "You're doing commercials?" And I honestly feel like those Sierra Mist commercials are better than a… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
Some people have their own bowling ball and their own bowling shoes... and no friends. — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
Really, there are two types of people who go bowling. There are people who really, really love bowling. Then there are the… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I was always told that Hoosier came from when settlers in the state, when a stranger came on their property they'd say,… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I'm much more interested in making people laugh than getting applause breaks. — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
My faith is very personal. It's not something that I want to project on other people. — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I think being a doctor is really hard, and it's really this thankless, never-ending job. It's not even that you get done… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I'm the youngest, too. When you're the youngest of a big family, people are like, "You're the baby, you're spoiled!" The fact… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I'm there to make people laugh. I'm not trying to come across as sexy. — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I see some people with glasses here, I trust people with glasses, don't you? But if you're wearing your glasses like this… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
Stand-up comedy in the end, unlike the rest of the entertainment industry, is a meritocracy. There's a certain level of undeniability you can work… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I think growing up in Indiana prepares anyone for a life in comedy. I do feel like there is a certain kind of self-effacing… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
Besides hot pockets keeps introducing new products every 10 minutes so I always have new stuff on the topic. — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
“The song goes, “Morning has broken,” and I’m pretty sure my children broke it. Like everything else they break, if they did break it,… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I am single, I don't drink. It's kind of hard to get a woman buzzed when you don't drink. You'll be like, "Yeah, I'll… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
Babies and toddlers are mostly what I've been exposed to at this point. I'm hoping parenting just gets much easier after this. It does,… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
Isn't it strange -- when you're single, all you see is couples, and when you're part of a couple, all you see are hookers. — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I usually don't have a burger, a brat, and a steak but it is 4th of July. And I need the energy if I'm… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
“If you complain about how you spend your Saturdays taking your kid to birthday parties, that means you are taking your kid to birthday… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I believe that comedians do what they do, and then they get credit or criticism for doing it. There's nothing planned about this. — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
