I have more pictures of my children than my father ever looked at me, — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
Ironically, to my children, bedtime is a punishment that violates their basic rights as human beings. — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
“I used to wonder why I had hair on my legs, but now I know it's for my toddler sons and daughters… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I reached a point in my life where I didn't really like who I was.I was married to an amazing woman. I… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
The ridiculousness and idiocy of life is embraced and examined. It nurtures the childhood perspective in everyone. — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
“The phrase “I have children” is always present tense. They are always with me. Even when I am by myself, I “have… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
“Whenever I travel with my young children, I’m always reminded of an important travel lesson: Never travel with my young children.” — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
“The song goes, “Morning has broken,” and I’m pretty sure my children broke it. Like everything else they break, if they did… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
“I’ve become one of those parents who demand their children go to the bathroom. “But I don’t have to.” “Well, go anyway.” — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
People get burned out in big families, you can even see it in the naming of children. Like the first kid, "You… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I guess the reasons against having more children always seem uninspiring and superficial. What exactly am I missing out on? Money? A… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
“Parents of young children are always acting. You act excited to read a story for the five-hundredth time. You act impressed someone… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
“She has a kid in her class who has a backpack with wheels on it. Yes, wheels. That way, when the child… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
“Ironically, to my children, bedtime is a punishment that violates their basic rights as human beings. Once the lights are out, you… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I was the youngest of the six kids, and to make my older siblings laugh, that was very important. I did a… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
“Children have a tendency to behave as poorly as the most poorly behaved kid in the room. The laws of physics dictate… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
No matter how you feel about your extended family or family gatherings you will be attending. This is because now the ultimate… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
“As a dad, you are Vice President. You are part of the Executive Branch of the family, but you are the partner… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
“There are two philosophies when it comes to getting young children to sleep. There is 'sleep training,' which basically involves putting your… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
“By today’s standards, my dad wouldn’t be considered the greatest dad, and I’m sure his dad wouldn’t be considered the greatest dad… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
“Occasionally, a dog will be presented as some training method for having a baby. "My girlfriend and I got a dog. We… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
“No matter how hard you try to be a good parent, you always know deep down that you could do more. I… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
It's difficult to parent one kid, let alone five! It's insane. It's this strange, overwhelming mess that I would not trade for… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
“Bedtime makes you realize how completely incapable you are of being in charge of another human being. My children act like they’ve… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
My children have made me a better man, which is - in the end, that's probably more important than two more comedy… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
Now that I'm married and have two beautiful children, it really makes me appreciate... being alone. — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
“Now there are adults without children who go to Disney, and they are called weirdos. Very nice people. Absolutely crazy.” — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
“Directions to our apartment should always end with “…and follow the sound of screaming children”.” — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
Whenever one of my children says, 'Goodnight, Daddy,' I always think to myself, 'You don't mean that. — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
Other people's children's birthday parties are the most joyful events you will ever resent having to attend. — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
When you have five little kids, you're not going to open Mindy Kaling's latest book. You're playing with your kids. — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
My childhood best friend is an anesthesiologist. It's the least amount of human interaction for a doctor. I don't think you can… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
There should be a children's song: 'If you're happy and you know it, keep it to yourself and let your dad sleep'. — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
“My wife likes to pause before the meals with our kids and say grace. While I think this is a great opportunity… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
“TV news is like kryptonite to children. The two major shifts in taste for children to adulthood are news and mustard. Kids… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
Stand-up comedy in the end, unlike the rest of the entertainment industry, is a meritocracy. There's a certain level of undeniability you can work… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I think growing up in Indiana prepares anyone for a life in comedy. I do feel like there is a certain kind of self-effacing… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
Besides hot pockets keeps introducing new products every 10 minutes so I always have new stuff on the topic. — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
“The song goes, “Morning has broken,” and I’m pretty sure my children broke it. Like everything else they break, if they did break it,… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I am single, I don't drink. It's kind of hard to get a woman buzzed when you don't drink. You'll be like, "Yeah, I'll… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
Babies and toddlers are mostly what I've been exposed to at this point. I'm hoping parenting just gets much easier after this. It does,… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
Isn't it strange -- when you're single, all you see is couples, and when you're part of a couple, all you see are hookers. — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I usually don't have a burger, a brat, and a steak but it is 4th of July. And I need the energy if I'm… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
“If you complain about how you spend your Saturdays taking your kid to birthday parties, that means you are taking your kid to birthday… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I believe that comedians do what they do, and then they get credit or criticism for doing it. There's nothing planned about this. — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
