It really never came up, but I think that in present-day America, they're - you know, and I touched on it in… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
Award shows are really silly. I'm very happy for the people that win the awards, and I can say they're really silly,… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I saw this college team bowling championship. Each team had their own coach. What kind of strategy advice is a bowling coach… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I'm definitely hesitant wearing shorts during the summer. Like for a pale person, you know, summer - everyone in the world is… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
When I'm in touch with the idea that there is a higher power and that there is, you know, other factors at… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
If I was on an airplane, the people in coach would know who I am. But no one in first class would… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I feel guilty if I'm not reading books, but I read scripts of movies or things that I know I'm committed to… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I know that Colbert could quote Thomas Aquinas and all this, but I'm somebody who, because it's a necessity for me on… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
Babies, they learn how to walk and they are already trying to run away. You can't reach the doorknob, you only know… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I was always told that Hoosier came from when settlers in the state, when a stranger came on their property they'd say,… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
Now the Thanksgiving meal is just so unnecessarily difficult. I mean even mashed potatoes - it's like the most difficult kind of,… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I think when my mother died, it was such a - you know, a shock to the logic that I had been… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
Gyms are always packed. The only machine available is the one that simulates the gynecological exam. You know, the Sharon Stone machine. — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
Oh great, socks. You know I'm dying for your sins right? Yeah, but thanks for the socks! They'll go great with my… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I went to a Catholic University and there's something about being a Catholic-American. You know, St. Patrick's Day is, I'm Irish-Catholic. There's… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I got married. My wife changed her name. I know some women have a problem with that. But I wanted her to… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
Lean Pockets, I don't even wanna know what's in those. I wonder what the directions are on a box of Lean Pockets:… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I've never tried fatback. Probably 'cause it's called fatback. I don't know which word creeps me out more: fat or back. Why… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I am originally from Indiana. I know what most of you are thinking: Indiana - mafia. — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I love the impatience of New York... You ever had somebody not ask you for directions, but demand them? You're just innocently… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I never have free time, I don't know about you. You ever go to the cash machine, there's two people in line… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I lived across from a Catholic church for 15 years that I never went into. And then I got married to my… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I was watching the Animal Planet. Did you know that the male seahorse has the baby? Why don't they just call that… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I don't want to pick a team. I want to make people laugh and hopefully bring some - be humorous about the… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
Stand-up comedy in the end, unlike the rest of the entertainment industry, is a meritocracy. There's a certain level of undeniability you can work… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I think growing up in Indiana prepares anyone for a life in comedy. I do feel like there is a certain kind of self-effacing… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
Besides hot pockets keeps introducing new products every 10 minutes so I always have new stuff on the topic. — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
“The song goes, “Morning has broken,” and I’m pretty sure my children broke it. Like everything else they break, if they did break it,… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I am single, I don't drink. It's kind of hard to get a woman buzzed when you don't drink. You'll be like, "Yeah, I'll… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
Babies and toddlers are mostly what I've been exposed to at this point. I'm hoping parenting just gets much easier after this. It does,… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
Isn't it strange -- when you're single, all you see is couples, and when you're part of a couple, all you see are hookers. — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I usually don't have a burger, a brat, and a steak but it is 4th of July. And I need the energy if I'm… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
“If you complain about how you spend your Saturdays taking your kid to birthday parties, that means you are taking your kid to birthday… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I believe that comedians do what they do, and then they get credit or criticism for doing it. There's nothing planned about this. — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
