If I was on an airplane, the people in coach would know who I am. But no one in first class would… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I am originally from Indiana. I know what most of you are thinking: Indiana - mafia. — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I don't know if I'm the husky guy, but I'm the sexy guy who's a good kisser . — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
You wanna know how good bacon is? To improve other food, they wrap it in bacon. — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I lived across from a Catholic church for 15 years that I never went into. And then I got married to my… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
Oh great, socks. You know I'm dying for your sins right? Yeah, but thanks for the socks! They'll go great with my… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I was watching the Animal Planet. Did you know that the male seahorse has the baby? Why don't they just call that… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
Award shows are really silly. I'm very happy for the people that win the awards, and I can say they're really silly,… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I know that Colbert could quote Thomas Aquinas and all this, but I'm somebody who, because it's a necessity for me on… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
Lean Pockets, I don't even wanna know what's in those. I wonder what the directions are on a box of Lean Pockets:… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I think when my mother died, it was such a - you know, a shock to the logic that I had been… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
When I'm in touch with the idea that there is a higher power and that there is, you know, other factors at… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I don't know about you, but when they first introduced bottled water, I thought it was so funny, I was like "Bottled… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I was watching Animal Planet. Did you know that the male seahorse has the baby? And I was thinking, "Why don't they… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I'm not a strict vegetarian. I do eat beef and pork. And chicken. But not fish 'cause that's disgusting! How do you… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I've never tried fatback. Probably 'cause it's called fatback. I don't know which word creeps me out more: fat or back. Why… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I was always told that Hoosier came from when settlers in the state, when a stranger came on their property they'd say,… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
Now the Thanksgiving meal is just so unnecessarily difficult. I mean even mashed potatoes - it's like the most difficult kind of,… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I saw this college team bowling championship. Each team had their own coach. What kind of strategy advice is a bowling coach… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I feel guilty if I'm not reading books, but I read scripts of movies or things that I know I'm committed to… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
There was [ in New York] - some of it was this perception of the Midwest that I realized in this multicultural… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I'm definitely hesitant wearing shorts during the summer. Like for a pale person, you know, summer - everyone in the world is… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I got married. My wife changed her name. I know some women have a problem with that. But I wanted her to… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
Gyms are always packed. The only machine available is the one that simulates the gynecological exam. You know, the Sharon Stone machine. — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I like bowling. It's just one of those things where I can do so many jokes about it because I do know… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
Babies, they learn how to walk and they are already trying to run away. You can't reach the doorknob, you only know… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
It really never came up, but I think that in present-day America, they're - you know, and I touched on it in… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I love the impatience of New York... You ever had somebody not ask you for directions, but demand them? You're just innocently… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
You didn't question - kind of like, you would go to college. You would wear a tie to work. You would, you… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I never have free time, I don't know about you. You ever go to the cash machine, there's two people in line… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I always want my standup act to appeal to everybody in the room, and when I started standup, and I would see… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I went to a Catholic University and there's something about being a Catholic-American. You know, St. Patrick's Day is, I'm Irish-Catholic. There's… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
There are some people who know who I am but there are a lot of people that have no idea who I… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
The idea of being a practicing Catholic, it's - for me, it's like - I need a lot of practice, you know… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
There should be a children's song: 'If you're happy and you know it, keep it to yourself and let your dad sleep'. — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I watch a lot of TV, I drink a lot of coffee, but you know what's really addictive? Heroin. — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
Thanksgiving, you know - Thanksgiving - it's like we didn't even try to come up with a tradition. The tradition is we… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
Anyone know if the shuttles to Hell will have Wifi? Asking for a friend. — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
Wouldn't it have been weird to go to high school with the Pope? You know, somebody did, someone's sitting at home, watching… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
Stand-up comedy in the end, unlike the rest of the entertainment industry, is a meritocracy. There's a certain level of undeniability you can work… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I think growing up in Indiana prepares anyone for a life in comedy. I do feel like there is a certain kind of self-effacing… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
Besides hot pockets keeps introducing new products every 10 minutes so I always have new stuff on the topic. — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
“The song goes, “Morning has broken,” and I’m pretty sure my children broke it. Like everything else they break, if they did break it,… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I am single, I don't drink. It's kind of hard to get a woman buzzed when you don't drink. You'll be like, "Yeah, I'll… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
Babies and toddlers are mostly what I've been exposed to at this point. I'm hoping parenting just gets much easier after this. It does,… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
Isn't it strange -- when you're single, all you see is couples, and when you're part of a couple, all you see are hookers. — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I usually don't have a burger, a brat, and a steak but it is 4th of July. And I need the energy if I'm… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
“If you complain about how you spend your Saturdays taking your kid to birthday parties, that means you are taking your kid to birthday… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I believe that comedians do what they do, and then they get credit or criticism for doing it. There's nothing planned about this. — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
![“There was [ in New York] - some of it was this perception of the Midwest that I realized in this multicultural city that - and I don't think it's as true as it was - but everyone was kind of like, what, are you Jewish? Are you Italian? What are you? You know, are you black? Are you da-da-da? Are…” quote by Jim Gaffigan](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/img-quotes/c4d/jim-gaffigan-580_black_there-was-in-new-york-some-of-it-was-thi_2053648.jpg)
