I am originally from Indiana. I know what most of you are thinking: Indiana - mafia. — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I think stand-up comedy is this - it's this kind of indulgence and narcissism. — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
How dumb do I think the Americans are? I bet you we could sell those idiots water. — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
There's something about being a parent that has, I think, made me a better comedian. — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I think that there's part of me that feels like maybe I should have been more social. — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I'm a weirdo that goes on stage to make strangers laugh, but if I wasn't working, I would just want to be… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I think being a doctor is really hard, and it's really this thankless, never-ending job. It's not even that you get done… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
Some of my fear and anxieties surrounding faith, I think, provides some good comedy for my act. — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
Weight Watchers says nothing tastes better than thin feels. I can think of a thousand things that taste better than thin feels. — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I think when my mother died, it was such a - you know, a shock to the logic that I had been… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I don't think comedians make an active decision to be a certain "persona." Comedians write the way they're going to write. — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I love sleep. I need sleep. We all do, of course. There are those people that don't need sleep. I think they're… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
On MySpace ... the whole demographic of the stand-up comedy fan has changed. It's like an indie band thing. People think they've… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
It is amazing how much more amazing sleep is in the morning. You wake up and you're like, "I stayed up to… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I'm from Indiana. I know what you're thinking, Indiana... Mafia. But in Indiana it's not like New York where everyone's like, 'We're… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
Whatever a writer gets paid for his book, it's never enough. I think that's true. It's hard work. But in the end,… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I've been doing stand-up for so long, I think 19 years, that I love topics I can also expand on. Once I… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
But truly, women are amazing. Think about it this way: a woman can grow a baby inside her body. Then a woman… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
Not that I don't think irreverent humor and someone being filthy is funny, I just do what I do. Any comedian would… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I love my career, but I feel like you've got to babysit a lot of aspects of things. Assuming that things will… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
We all take Mother's Day seriously and then it's like a month later, a bunch of kids get together and say, "I… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
It's difficult to parent one kid, let alone five! It's insane. It's this strange, overwhelming mess that I would not trade for… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I think the worst professional advice I received was this kind of unspoken message of "sit back and wait your turn," or… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
Stand-up is an amazing art form, I think, because it's all about you having complete control of the situation, but absolutely none. — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
Yeah the appetizer, that's the food we eat before we have our food...No no you're thinking of dessert, that's food we eat… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
Babies, they learn how to walk and they are already trying to run away. You can't reach the doorknob, you only know… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
It really never came up, but I think that in present-day America, they're - you know, and I touched on it in… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I think growing up in Indiana prepares anyone for a life in comedy. I do feel like there is a certain kind… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I think I grew up with the idea that God was a punishing being, constructed around rules. — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I think I have a lot of voices in my head and I guess my inner critic is a female. — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
Whenever one of my children says, 'Goodnight, Daddy,' I always think to myself, 'You don't mean that. — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
Thanksgiving is the most complicated meal you can think of. Every night, dinner is just pasta. It's just different shapes of pasta. — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
You think when gym teachers were younger, they're thinking, "You know, I want to teach...but I don't want to read. How about… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
My childhood best friend is an anesthesiologist. It's the least amount of human interaction for a doctor. I don't think you can… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I left the Midwest thinking I didn't fit in. But when I got to New York, I realized how truly Midwestern I… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
There's something that's really fun about the challenge of making the mundane funny, too, I think. — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
Stand-up comedy in the end, unlike the rest of the entertainment industry, is a meritocracy. There's a certain level of undeniability you can work… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I think growing up in Indiana prepares anyone for a life in comedy. I do feel like there is a certain kind of self-effacing… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
Besides hot pockets keeps introducing new products every 10 minutes so I always have new stuff on the topic. — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
“The song goes, “Morning has broken,” and I’m pretty sure my children broke it. Like everything else they break, if they did break it,… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I am single, I don't drink. It's kind of hard to get a woman buzzed when you don't drink. You'll be like, "Yeah, I'll… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
Babies and toddlers are mostly what I've been exposed to at this point. I'm hoping parenting just gets much easier after this. It does,… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
Isn't it strange -- when you're single, all you see is couples, and when you're part of a couple, all you see are hookers. — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I usually don't have a burger, a brat, and a steak but it is 4th of July. And I need the energy if I'm… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
“If you complain about how you spend your Saturdays taking your kid to birthday parties, that means you are taking your kid to birthday… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I believe that comedians do what they do, and then they get credit or criticism for doing it. There's nothing planned about this. — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
