“Other times, we dads are presented as the “enforcer” Vice President, the Dick Cheney.” — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
“If you’ve never been to a Catholic Mass, don’t worry, it’s still going on, you still have time to catch it.” — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
Don't take this the wrong way but I care more and I'm a better online friend than you. I also spend way… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I'm not a foodie; I'm an eatie. I don't have anything against foodies. I just don't have the time or the interest… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I spend way too much time on Facebook and MySpace to feel too uncomfortable at this. I like to think of the… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
Stand-up used to be much more of a form combat. Heckling was much more common [in the '90s]. And I couldn't get… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
Award shows are really silly. I'm very happy for the people that win the awards, and I can say they're really silly,… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
It took me a long time to understand not to get caught up in other people's expectations. It really comes down to… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I feel guilty if I'm not reading books, but I read scripts of movies or things that I know I'm committed to… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I never have free time, I don't know about you. You ever go to the cash machine, there's two people in line… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
There were times in my life when I had one thing to do all day, but I still couldn’t get to it.… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
“Parents of young children are always acting. You act excited to read a story for the five-hundredth time. You act impressed someone… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I've had plenty of friends tell me that their first time doing stand-up, they do well, and then they tank for a… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
“Every night before I get my one hour of sleep, I have the same thought: “Well, that’s a wrap on another day… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
“That time period is clearly a season of holidays. A holiday season. No matter what faith you belong to or what tradition… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
“Around the tenth time reading some of these books to your kids, you begin to develop some really strong opinions and questions… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I told my son, who's 11, "Look, I don't care if you curse - it's other people that care." So we tried… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
Stand-up comedy in the end, unlike the rest of the entertainment industry, is a meritocracy. There's a certain level of undeniability you can work… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I think growing up in Indiana prepares anyone for a life in comedy. I do feel like there is a certain kind of self-effacing… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
Besides hot pockets keeps introducing new products every 10 minutes so I always have new stuff on the topic. — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
“The song goes, “Morning has broken,” and I’m pretty sure my children broke it. Like everything else they break, if they did break it,… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I am single, I don't drink. It's kind of hard to get a woman buzzed when you don't drink. You'll be like, "Yeah, I'll… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
Babies and toddlers are mostly what I've been exposed to at this point. I'm hoping parenting just gets much easier after this. It does,… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
Isn't it strange -- when you're single, all you see is couples, and when you're part of a couple, all you see are hookers. — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I usually don't have a burger, a brat, and a steak but it is 4th of July. And I need the energy if I'm… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
“If you complain about how you spend your Saturdays taking your kid to birthday parties, that means you are taking your kid to birthday… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I believe that comedians do what they do, and then they get credit or criticism for doing it. There's nothing planned about this. — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
![“Stand-up used to be much more of a form combat. Heckling was much more common [in the '90s]. And I couldn't get stage time, and so I would go out to Pip's in Sheepshead Bay.” quote by Jim Gaffigan](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/img-quotes/0a4/jim-gaffigan-580_combat_stand-up-used-to-be-much-more-of-a-form_3009726.jpg)
