I'm not a strict vegetarian. I do eat beef and pork. And chicken. But not fish 'cause that's disgusting! How do you… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
My children have made me a better man, which is - in the end, that's probably more important than two more comedy… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I don't want to be a TV star for the sake of being on TV. I want to have a TV show… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
“Children have a tendency to behave as poorly as the most poorly behaved kid in the room. The laws of physics dictate… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
“I feel guilty when I feed them unhealthy food they like. I feel guilty when I feed them healthy food they don’t… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
You ever find yourself being lazy for no reason at all? Like, you pick up your mail, you go in your house,… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
For me, it's always a little sad getting out of bed. Every morning after I get up, I always gaze longingly at… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
Wouldn't it have been weird to go to high school with the Pope? You know, somebody did, someone's sitting at home, watching… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
We’re never satisfied when it comes to food. ‘You know what’d be good on this burger? A ham sandwich. Instead of a… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
Comedy is a very lucrative business now, but when everyone first went into it, it didn't make sense from a financial standpoint. — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
You think when gym teachers were younger, they're thinking, "You know, I want to teach...but I don't want to read. How about… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
There's this message to comedians in particular, that you shouldn't write it, and a television writer should write it. And that's a… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I personally have no interest in being a star or a celebrity. I want my stand-up comedy and how I think as… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I watch a lot of TV, I drink a lot of coffee, but you know what's really addictive? Heroin. — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
For me, stand-up comedy is a conversation between me and the audience. I have to keep them listening. When I'm making jokes… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
The whole idea of comedy, there is nothing normal about going up on stage to make strangers laugh. But I'm also not… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
Whenever I'm out of town for at least a week, I feel like I should write a postcard or something, but you… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I kind of consider myself... I mean, I try to have my comedy be accessible, and if people are paying $30 to… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I am a guy who talks about bacon and escalators. Stand-up comedy is very much a conversation. It's very personal, stylistically. — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I only dated one Asian girl, but she was very Asian. She was a panda. — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
You ever get a postcard, you get so excited you don't even read it! "Hey I got a - who cares." — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
People need to write articles and they need to have angles in them and I'm grateful when people are doing articles, but… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I love how New York is so multicultural. I wish I was ethnic, I'm nothing. Because if you're Hispanic and you get… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
Have you seen the bologna that has the olives in it? Who's that for? 'I like my bologna like a martini. With… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
Every now and then I'll read a book, I'll be so proud of myself, I'll try and squeeze it into conversation. People… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
Stand-up comedy in the end, unlike the rest of the entertainment industry, is a meritocracy. There's a certain level of undeniability you can work… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I think growing up in Indiana prepares anyone for a life in comedy. I do feel like there is a certain kind of self-effacing… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
Besides hot pockets keeps introducing new products every 10 minutes so I always have new stuff on the topic. — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
“The song goes, “Morning has broken,” and I’m pretty sure my children broke it. Like everything else they break, if they did break it,… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I am single, I don't drink. It's kind of hard to get a woman buzzed when you don't drink. You'll be like, "Yeah, I'll… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
Babies and toddlers are mostly what I've been exposed to at this point. I'm hoping parenting just gets much easier after this. It does,… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
Isn't it strange -- when you're single, all you see is couples, and when you're part of a couple, all you see are hookers. — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I usually don't have a burger, a brat, and a steak but it is 4th of July. And I need the energy if I'm… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
“If you complain about how you spend your Saturdays taking your kid to birthday parties, that means you are taking your kid to birthday… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I believe that comedians do what they do, and then they get credit or criticism for doing it. There's nothing planned about this. — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
