Comedy Quotes by Demetri Martin

When someone describes themself as a taxpayer, they're about to be an asshole.

— Demetri Martin

Skiing is my favorite sport, because, that's the only sport that is actually better to watch the worst the person is at…

— Demetri Martin

This is a pie chart about procrastination.

— Demetri Martin

But long story short, I didn't start doing stand-up because I wanted to have a TV show or be an actor or…

— Demetri Martin

For me and most of my friends who are comedians, if you've been doing comedy for a while, your tolerance for things…

— Demetri Martin

I like stand-up. But I'd also like a family and house and a yard. I want to work with a lot of…

— Demetri Martin

I was seeing this girl and she wanted to get more serious. But I wasn't ready to, I had just gotten out…

— Demetri Martin

I care about politics, but I have a tough time making comedy out of it. I was so happy to have a…

— Demetri Martin

Sort of' is such a harmless thing to say... sort of. It's just a filler. Sort of... it doesn't really mean anything.…

— Demetri Martin

Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same…

— Demetri Martin

I like birthdays because we celebrate life with cakes. It's so cool. Sometimes when I see a baby, I'm like that much…

— Demetri Martin

I went into a clothing store, and the lady asked me what size I was. I said, 'Actual'. I'm not to scale.

— Demetri Martin

I started being a comedy fan when I was, I'm going to guess, like 5 or 6 years old.

— Demetri Martin

It seems that two of the most basic forms of comedy are jokes and stories. And, of course, they are not mutually…

— Demetri Martin

Sometimes if I really want to get someone's attention, I'll start a sentence with something like, "I'm not racist, but..." I say,…

— Demetri Martin

I keep a lighter in my back pocket all the time. I'm not a smoker, I just really like certain songs.

— Demetri Martin

I was making pancakes the other day and a fly flew into the kitchen. And that's when I realized that a spatula…

— Demetri Martin

I have a jar at home, and I put pennies in it whenever I curse. The other day I spilled the jar.…

— Demetri Martin

I do come across people who don't like me, don't like my comedy, don't think it's funny, it's too cutesy, or whatever…

— Demetri Martin

Whenever I investigate a smell, I find that the answer is always bad. It's never: 'What is that? *sniff* muffins!'

— Demetri Martin

Sometimes I feel like I'm making a connection with a stranger, but then it turns out I'm not. Like, I was in…

— Demetri Martin

I was watching MTV and there were girls dancing in suspended cages. That would be an ambivalent situation: "I'm trapped! ...but enjoying…

— Demetri Martin

I'm very hip-oriented. I focus on hips in my comedy - probably more than any other hipster comic who is out there…

— Demetri Martin

It's very easy to turn a toy into an adult toy: Location, location, location.

— Demetri Martin

My plumbing is all screwed up. Because it turns out, I do not own a garbage disposal.

— Demetri Martin