If you happen to catch on fire during the show, do not panic or wave your arms around or scream or we… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
But long story short, I didn't start doing stand-up because I wanted to have a TV show or be an actor or… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
It turns out dentists don't like it very much when you show up for a cleaning in full vampire gear. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
When there's someone who's dead and then someone does something that that person would not have liked, they say that that person… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I just started doing this one-man show, and I wanted to be able to score it, so I bought a guitar, and… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I care about politics, but I have a tough time making comedy out of it. I was so happy to have a… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I think a lot of people who watch TV don't realize when they're watch TV shows and it says 'produced by' and… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I'm a producer on my show, which is great, but it's also kind of a mixed blessing because there's so much responsibility.… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I think statues are great; they show what great people would look like if a bird sh*t all over them. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
When someone shows you a picture of their kids what they don't want to hear is Oh, yeah, I got pictures of… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I call it 'new forms'. When you're starting out, they ask you to do four or five minute sets, but once you're… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
Sometimes I feel like I'm being watched, but then I remember that my show was canceled three years ago. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
If you are trying to impress a woman, leave any sort of show farting out of the equation. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I think there's a difference between making comedy and reporting comedy. When you're a joke teller you can easily fall into the… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
There are jokes I know I want to tell, and there's sort of a rough order, but usually I try to change… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
When people show me pictures of their kids, it's okay. But when I give them a picture of me, to show to… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I think hair gel was invented to make it easier to identify assholes from a distance. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
When someone describes themself as a taxpayer, they're about to be an asshole. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I like to go to concerts because I love to see my favorite band through the phone of the asshole who's standing in front… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
Skiing is my favorite sport, because, that's the only sport that is actually better to watch the worst the person is at it. "That… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I know about Woodstock probably as much as your average person who is over 30, where I'd know Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, Grateful Dead. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
THING TO TRY: If you are asked to describe a suspect to a police sketch artist, describe in precise detail, the features of the… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
