Shows Quotes by Demetri Martin

17 Shows quotes by Demetri Martin

Demetri Martin approaches shows with his characteristic off‑beat logic, turning everyday moments into clever punchlines. These seventeen quotes illustrate his knack for finding humor in the mundane.

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I never set out to do a sketch show.

Demetri Martin

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It turns out dentists don't like it very much when you show up for a cleaning in full vampire gear.

Demetri Martin

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I think statues are great; they show what great people would look like if a bird sh*t all over them.

Demetri Martin

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When someone shows you a picture of their kids what they don't want to hear is Oh, yeah, I got pictures of…

Demetri Martin

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Sometimes I feel like I'm being watched, but then I remember that my show was canceled three years ago.

Demetri Martin

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If you are trying to impress a woman, leave any sort of show farting out of the equation.

Demetri Martin

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I call it 'new forms'. When you're starting out, they ask you to do four or five minute sets, but once you're…

Demetri Martin

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When people show me pictures of their kids, it's okay. But when I give them a picture of me, to show to…

Demetri Martin

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If you happen to catch on fire during the show, do not panic or wave your arms around or scream or we…

Demetri Martin

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I care about politics, but I have a tough time making comedy out of it. I was so happy to have a…

Demetri Martin

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When there's someone who's dead and then someone does something that that person would not have liked, they say that that person…

Demetri Martin

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I just started doing this one-man show, and I wanted to be able to score it, so I bought a guitar, and…

Demetri Martin

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I think there's a difference between making comedy and reporting comedy. When you're a joke teller you can easily fall into the…

Demetri Martin

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But long story short, I didn't start doing stand-up because I wanted to have a TV show or be an actor or…

Demetri Martin

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I'm a producer on my show, which is great, but it's also kind of a mixed blessing because there's so much responsibility.…

Demetri Martin

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There are jokes I know I want to tell, and there's sort of a rough order, but usually I try to change…

Demetri Martin

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I think a lot of people who watch TV don't realize when they're watch TV shows and it says 'produced by' and…

Demetri Martin

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More by Demetri Martin

I think hair gel was invented to make it easier to identify assholes from a distance.

Demetri Martin

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Tic Tacs are the maracas of breath mints.

Demetri Martin

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When someone describes themself as a taxpayer, they're about to be an asshole.

Demetri Martin

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I think they named the orange before the carrot.

Demetri Martin

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I like to go to concerts because I love to see my favorite band through the phone of the asshole who's standing in front…

Demetri Martin

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How fast does a zebra have to run before it looks gray.

Demetri Martin

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Skiing is my favorite sport, because, that's the only sport that is actually better to watch the worst the person is at it. "That…

Demetri Martin

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I know about Woodstock probably as much as your average person who is over 30, where I'd know Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, Grateful Dead.

Demetri Martin

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Never be less interesting than your refrigerator magnets.

Demetri Martin

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I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert.

Demetri Martin

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A Wednesday with no rain is a dry hump day.

Demetri Martin

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THING TO TRY: If you are asked to describe a suspect to a police sketch artist, describe in precise detail, the features of the…

Demetri Martin

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