I ordered a wake-up call the other day. The phone rang and a woman's voice said, 'What the hell are you doing… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
It would be nice if people said, God bless you not just when you sneezed but also when you farted. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I was eating some candy and looked on the wrapper, and it said made from natural and artificial flavors. You could just… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
Timing is everything. That's a cliche. Now. If I'd said that a long time ago, I'd have been original. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I wrapped my Christmas presents early this year, but I used the wrong paper. See, the paper I used said 'Happy Birthday'… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I bought a dictionary. First thing I did was, I looked up the word "dictionary", and it said "you're an asshole". — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I was walking in the park and this guy waved at me. Then he said, 'I'm sorry, I thought you were someone… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I went into a clothing store, and the lady asked me what size I was. I said, 'Actual'. I'm not to scale. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I like women, but you can't always trust them. Some of them are big liars, like this one woman I met who… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
When I first heard the term 'training bra,' I was freaked out. I was pretty young and I said, 'Did you just… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
Sometimes if I really want to get someone's attention, I'll start a sentence with something like, "I'm not racist, but..." I say,… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I was seeing this girl and she wanted to get more serious. But I wasn't ready to, I had just gotten out… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I saw a door that said exit only. So I entered through it and went up to the guy working there and… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I set a personal record on Christmas. I got my shopping done three weeks ahead of time. I had all the presents… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I wonder what the most intelligent thing ever said was that started with the word 'dude.' 'Dude, these are isotopes.' 'Dude, we… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
It's weird to make a decision where everyone in your life disapproves, pretty vocally and directly. They said, "You've got one year… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I saw a sign that said, 'Watch for children.' I was like, 'That sounds like a fair trade - especially if they're… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I love women, but I feel like you can't trust some of them. Some of them are liars, you know? Like I… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I was stuck in traffic and I looked in the mirror and in the car behind me there was a couple having… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I think it would be cool if you were writing a ransom note on your computer, if the paper clip popped up… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I think hair gel was invented to make it easier to identify assholes from a distance. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
When someone describes themself as a taxpayer, they're about to be an asshole. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I like to go to concerts because I love to see my favorite band through the phone of the asshole who's standing in front… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
Skiing is my favorite sport, because, that's the only sport that is actually better to watch the worst the person is at it. "That… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I know about Woodstock probably as much as your average person who is over 30, where I'd know Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, Grateful Dead. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
THING TO TRY: If you are asked to describe a suspect to a police sketch artist, describe in precise detail, the features of the… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
