Having a beard is a good way to make your face more susceptible to velcro. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
You can make a very heavy and kind of dangerous 3-way shot glass out of a bowling ball. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
It's weird the way "finger puppet" sounds okay as a noun... ladies. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
Easy way to make someone sound less powerful, just put DJ in front of their name... ..DJ Abraham Lincoln — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
There is a fine line between a sleepover and just drinking way too much at someone else's house. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
The best way to make somebody feel important is to try to assassinate them. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
A sports bar is a way to take a bar and fill it with even more annoying people than usual. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
Do you have any Greek in you? That was just a tactful way of asking if you're pregnant. If you're not, then… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
And of course I didn't make any money from stand up for years, so I had temp jobs. That was the way… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
One thing I learned is that it's never OK to walk through a cemetery dressed as a mummy - even if that… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
My family was fine, it's just a different way of going about life. Creativity was not something that was isolated and identified… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I've often liked a girl, made her laugh, and thought she liked me, and then found out that she didn't like me… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
There's an old Russian saying that goes some way or another. I don't know it. I don't speak Russian. But sometimes I… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
When there's someone who's dead and then someone does something that that person would not have liked, they say that that person… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
If I think of a joke that's really dirty and I think it's funny I'll try it but what I've found over… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I think if I pick the right thing to spend my time doing, then time moves differently, because I really can get… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
For me, possibility, progress, growth, those things are very.. they feel very good. It doesn't usually come with negativity. I don't really… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
Another thing that I like and that's fun for me is to try and talk and play music at the same time,… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
Okay, so, when I was a kid, definitely the drawings and the illustration. Then I stopped in sixth grade or so. And… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I love Buster Keaton and I love physical comedy when it's done in an emotionally understated way. I just like to play… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
The lord works in mysterious ways. Indeed. And a shorter way to say that is: God is a sneak. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
Whenever I throw caution to the wind I make sure I'm facing the right way so that it doesn't blow back and… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
A car alarm is a way for a car to tell everyone that its owner is an asshole. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I used to get bummed out when it rained; then I realized that it's God's way of washing off hippies. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I'd love to win trophies, be in movies, have a body of work I'm proud of and find a way to enjoy… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
When people show me pictures of their kids, it's okay. But when I give them a picture of me, to show to… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I am sometimes referred to as Excuse Me in an annoyed tone of voice, because apparently I am in the way. I… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I'm very hip-oriented. I focus on hips in my comedy - probably more than any other hipster comic who is out there… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
It's funny: when people always talk about the importance of role models, I used to think that was so exaggerated, but as… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
When they were naming vitamins they must have thought there were going to be way more vitamins than there ended up being.… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I think hair gel was invented to make it easier to identify assholes from a distance. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
When someone describes themself as a taxpayer, they're about to be an asshole. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I like to go to concerts because I love to see my favorite band through the phone of the asshole who's standing in front… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
Skiing is my favorite sport, because, that's the only sport that is actually better to watch the worst the person is at it. "That… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I know about Woodstock probably as much as your average person who is over 30, where I'd know Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, Grateful Dead. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
THING TO TRY: If you are asked to describe a suspect to a police sketch artist, describe in precise detail, the features of the… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
