I am a comedian but it's usually not a compliment to be called a prop comedian but I guess I sometimes use… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
If you remove a treehouse from a tree, than it's just a shitty house. Sometimes when i'm in a shitty house, I… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I like birthdays because we celebrate life with cakes. It's so cool. Sometimes when I see a baby, I'm like that much… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
Swimming is a confusing sport, because sometimes you do it for fun, and other times you do it to not die. And… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
Sometimes I use my jokes as building blocks for larger bits. I like to draw and play music, so sometimes I do… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
Sometimes I see a bird fly by and I feel jealous. But then other times I see a bird fly into a… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
Sometimes I feel like I'm being watched, but then I remember that my show was canceled three years ago. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
There's an old Russian saying that goes some way or another. I don't know it. I don't speak Russian. But sometimes I… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
Sometimes if I really want to get someone's attention, I'll start a sentence with something like, "I'm not racist, but..." I say,… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
For me and most of my friends who are comedians, if you've been doing comedy for a while, your tolerance for things… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I live in New York and there are a lot of famous... pizzerias in my neighborhood, it's really hard to find one… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
Sometimes I like to go outside without even checking the weather first. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
Sometimes heckling can almost help a set, because it ratchets up the tension in the room... can even bring things to a… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
Sometimes it looks like I'm dancing, but it's just that I walked into a spider web. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
It's Thursday and it really feels like a Thursday. Sometimes things just work out. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
Sometimes I feel like I'm making a connection with a stranger, but then it turns out I'm not. Like, I was in… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
Sometimes, when something really great happens to me, I like to wait two weeks before I tell anyone about it, because I… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I think that when you get dressed in the morning, sometimes you're really making a decision about your behavior for the day.… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I like to use 'I Can't Believe it's Not Butter' on my toast in the morning, because sometimes when I eat breakfast,… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I am sometimes referred to as Excuse Me in an annoyed tone of voice, because apparently I am in the way. I… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I think hair gel was invented to make it easier to identify assholes from a distance. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
When someone describes themself as a taxpayer, they're about to be an asshole. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I like to go to concerts because I love to see my favorite band through the phone of the asshole who's standing in front… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
Skiing is my favorite sport, because, that's the only sport that is actually better to watch the worst the person is at it. "That… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I know about Woodstock probably as much as your average person who is over 30, where I'd know Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, Grateful Dead. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
THING TO TRY: If you are asked to describe a suspect to a police sketch artist, describe in precise detail, the features of the… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
