If you happen to catch on fire during the show, do not panic or wave your arms around or scream or we… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
If you remove a treehouse from a tree, than it's just a shitty house. Sometimes when i'm in a shitty house, I… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I think if I pick the right thing to spend my time doing, then time moves differently, because I really can get… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I equals all of the ifs added up over time. The ifs, those are the possibilities; that's infinite for all of us.… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I think there are so many little hurdles and impediments with stand-up that you'd need to have this insane desire to do… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
Do you have any Greek in you? That was just a tactful way of asking if you're pregnant. If you're not, then… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
Laborers want their kids to be merchants or business people. Business people want their kids to be professionals. Professionals want their kids… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
People only mention it's a free country if they're doing something shitty. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
For me and most of my friends who are comedians, if you've been doing comedy for a while, your tolerance for things… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
Man versus woman equals fun. Man versus man equals gay. Woman versus woman equals awesome. Man versus pillow equals crazy. Pillow versus… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
The chances of someone who looks like Jesus having pot raises steadily, to a point. If the guy is on a cross… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
If you want to dry hump someone you don't know, just act like they were choking. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
It would be interesting if Elvis were reincarnated as an Elvis impersonator. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
When someone asks you the question 'Are you ticklish' it doesn't matter if you say yes or no, cause they're going to… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
When you're wearing an animal costume and something bad happens, your facial expression doesn't change. The animal is deadpan the whole time.… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
If you stretched the average person's intestines out from end to end, it would make them scream a lot. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
To be creative, first I need to be really organized. If my apartment's messy I need to clean it. It's like before… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
What I've learned about my self over the years is that I'm pretty restless. If I multitask it's probably because I have… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
If I make my window ten days for stand-up, the conclusion is that I failed and that I'm not good at stand-up.… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
If I could control the behavior of fat guys I would make them ride mopeds more often. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
You mock those who blindly follow the majority...turn your attention now to those who are so dedicated to deviating from the norm… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
The thing about glitter is if you get it on you, be prepared to have it on you forever. Because glitter doesn't… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
It would be nice if people said, God bless you not just when you sneezed but also when you farted. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I think hair gel was invented to make it easier to identify assholes from a distance. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
When someone describes themself as a taxpayer, they're about to be an asshole. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I like to go to concerts because I love to see my favorite band through the phone of the asshole who's standing in front… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
Skiing is my favorite sport, because, that's the only sport that is actually better to watch the worst the person is at it. "That… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I know about Woodstock probably as much as your average person who is over 30, where I'd know Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, Grateful Dead. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
THING TO TRY: If you are asked to describe a suspect to a police sketch artist, describe in precise detail, the features of the… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
