It would be nice if people said, God bless you not just when you sneezed but also when you farted. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
If I could control the behavior of fat guys I would make them ride mopeds more often. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
Timing is everything. That's a cliche. Now. If I'd said that a long time ago, I'd have been original. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I wonder if it's rude for a deaf person to talk with food in their hands. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
People only mention it's a free country if they're doing something shitty. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
If you want to dry hump someone you don't know, just act like they were choking. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
If you have a lip ring try hanging some tiny keys from it. This will make you look even more interesting. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
If you remove a treehouse from a tree, than it's just a shitty house. Sometimes when i'm in a shitty house, I… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
The thing about glitter is if you get it on you, be prepared to have it on you forever. Because glitter doesn't… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
Do you have any Greek in you? That was just a tactful way of asking if you're pregnant. If you're not, then… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
If you stretched the average person's intestines out from end to end, it would make them scream a lot. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I wonder if there were any goths in gothic times. They're like: You look completely appropriate. You don't look stupid or lonely… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I wish I lived next to Carnegie Hall. Then, if someone asked me how to get to my house, I would just… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
If you happen to catch on fire during the show, do not panic or wave your arms around or scream or we… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
Sometimes if I really want to get someone's attention, I'll start a sentence with something like, "I'm not racist, but..." I say,… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
If I make my window ten days for stand-up, the conclusion is that I failed and that I'm not good at stand-up.… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
You mock those who blindly follow the majority...turn your attention now to those who are so dedicated to deviating from the norm… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
When you're wearing an animal costume and something bad happens, your facial expression doesn't change. The animal is deadpan the whole time.… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I've learned something on the road, traveling around: state shapes. The easier it is to draw the shape of the state, the… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
If I think of a joke that's really dirty and I think it's funny I'll try it but what I've found over… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
When someone asks you the question 'Are you ticklish' it doesn't matter if you say yes or no, cause they're going to… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
The question is, 'how bad at sports were you as a kid?' I grew up near where they film Jersey Shore. If… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
Man versus woman equals fun. Man versus man equals gay. Woman versus woman equals awesome. Man versus pillow equals crazy. Pillow versus… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I think cats would have an even worse attitude if they found out how stupid their names were. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I think statues are great; they show what great people would look like if a bird sh*t all over them. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
If I had a bookstore I would make all the mystery novels hard to find. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
If you are trying to impress a woman, leave any sort of show farting out of the equation. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
If I had to pick one artist to tile my bathroom I would go with MC Escher. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
It would be interesting if Elvis were reincarnated as an Elvis impersonator. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
To be creative, first I need to be really organized. If my apartment's messy I need to clean it. It's like before… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I have an air mattress. It's great because if someone tries to suffocate me in bed I can just poke a hole… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
The chances of someone who looks like Jesus having pot raises steadily, to a point. If the guy is on a cross… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I think there are so many little hurdles and impediments with stand-up that you'd need to have this insane desire to do… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
One thing I learned is that it's never OK to walk through a cemetery dressed as a mummy - even if that… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I think hair gel was invented to make it easier to identify assholes from a distance. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
When someone describes themself as a taxpayer, they're about to be an asshole. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I like to go to concerts because I love to see my favorite band through the phone of the asshole who's standing in front… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
Skiing is my favorite sport, because, that's the only sport that is actually better to watch the worst the person is at it. "That… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I know about Woodstock probably as much as your average person who is over 30, where I'd know Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, Grateful Dead. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
THING TO TRY: If you are asked to describe a suspect to a police sketch artist, describe in precise detail, the features of the… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
