I go the gym and I try to run on the treadmill and I listen to music but it doesn't motivate me… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
It would be interesting if Elvis were reincarnated as an Elvis impersonator. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I think a bad place for a fire would be the factory where they make those trick candles. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
It would be nice if people said, God bless you not just when you sneezed but also when you farted. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I live in New York and there are a lot of famous... pizzerias in my neighborhood, it's really hard to find one… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
REGARDING THE MARCHING BAND: How much more interesting it would be to see a creeping band. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I am everything and I am nothing. I am just kidding; I am not everything and nothing. That would be ridiculous. I… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I was watching MTV and there were girls dancing in suspended cages. That would be an ambivalent situation: "I'm trapped! ...but enjoying… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I think it would be cool if you were writing a ransom note on your computer, if the paper clip popped up… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
Socrates became a trendsetter. Other philosophers, including Plato and Aristotle and Gus, quickly followed suit, dropping their last names too. And, for… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I think it would be frustrating to be a match maker. "What do you do?" "I'm a match maker" "Aw, that's really… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I think it would be worse to get mauled by a dancing bear than just a regular bear because you can't totally… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I think hair gel was invented to make it easier to identify assholes from a distance. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
When someone describes themself as a taxpayer, they're about to be an asshole. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I like to go to concerts because I love to see my favorite band through the phone of the asshole who's standing in front… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
Skiing is my favorite sport, because, that's the only sport that is actually better to watch the worst the person is at it. "That… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I know about Woodstock probably as much as your average person who is over 30, where I'd know Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, Grateful Dead. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
THING TO TRY: If you are asked to describe a suspect to a police sketch artist, describe in precise detail, the features of the… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
