When someone describes themself as a taxpayer, they're about to be an asshole. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I was asked to name all the presidents. I thought they already had names — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
It's weird the way "finger puppet" sounds okay as a noun... ladies. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
People only mention it's a free country if they're doing something shitty. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
My friend named his car. And I don't want to be judgemental, but... what a dork. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
Whenever I investigate a smell, I find that the answer is always bad. It's never: 'What is that? *sniff* muffins!' — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that's 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says 'go outside.' — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
The thing about glitter is if you get it on you, be prepared to have it on you forever. Because glitter doesn't… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
Stand up is really fun because if I think of a joke or a funny idea, then I can just go and… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I have a jar at home, and I put pennies in it whenever I curse. The other day I spilled the jar.… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
A couple weeks ago I was on the street and I saw an ugly pregnant lady, and I just thought, 'Good for… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I bought a dictionary. First thing I did was, I looked up the word "dictionary", and it said "you're an asshole". — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
Sometimes if I really want to get someone's attention, I'll start a sentence with something like, "I'm not racist, but..." I say,… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I like video games, but they're really violent. I'd like to play a video game where you help the people who were… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I do come across people who don't like me, don't like my comedy, don't think it's funny, it's too cutesy, or whatever… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
Skiing is my favorite sport, because, that's the only sport that is actually better to watch the worst the person is at… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
When someone asks you the question 'Are you ticklish' it doesn't matter if you say yes or no, cause they're going to… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
Sort of' is such a harmless thing to say... sort of. It's just a filler. Sort of... it doesn't really mean anything.… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
Sometimes I feel like I'm making a connection with a stranger, but then it turns out I'm not. Like, I was in… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I was seeing this girl and she wanted to get more serious. But I wasn't ready to, I had just gotten out… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I like "Rock, Paper, Scissors Two-Thirds." You know. "Rock breaks scissors." "These scissors are bent. They're destroyed. I can't cut stuff. So… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I think the Worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of Charades — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
Drunken behavior will not be tolerated, except by those who are being hilarious. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I was walking in the park and this guy waved at me. Then he said, 'I'm sorry, I thought you were someone… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I have an erratic drummer for anybody who's just listening to this, he can keep time, but just in spurts. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I went into a clothing store, and the lady asked me what size I was. I said, 'Actual'. I'm not to scale. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I keep a lighter in my back pocket all the time. I'm not a smoker, I just really like certain songs. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I was watching MTV and there were girls dancing in suspended cages. That would be an ambivalent situation: "I'm trapped! ...but enjoying… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
Here is a tip for all you young people drinking wine. With pasta, drink white wine. With steak, drink red wine. And… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I like birthdays because we celebrate life with cakes. It's so cool. Sometimes when I see a baby, I'm like that much… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I've heard of many chocoholics, but I ain't never seen no "chocohol". We got an epidemic, people: people who like chocolate but… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I saw a door that said exit only. So I entered through it and went up to the guy working there and… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I was making pancakes the other day and a fly flew into the kitchen. And that's when I realized that a spatula… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
The comedians I liked were Bill Cosby and Steven Wright, like just always as a comedic actor. I always liked Gary Larson,… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
'Sort of' is such a harmless thing to say... sort of. It's just a filler. Sort of... it doesn't really mean anything.… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I think hair gel was invented to make it easier to identify assholes from a distance. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
When someone describes themself as a taxpayer, they're about to be an asshole. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I like to go to concerts because I love to see my favorite band through the phone of the asshole who's standing in front… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
Skiing is my favorite sport, because, that's the only sport that is actually better to watch the worst the person is at it. "That… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I know about Woodstock probably as much as your average person who is over 30, where I'd know Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, Grateful Dead. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
THING TO TRY: If you are asked to describe a suspect to a police sketch artist, describe in precise detail, the features of the… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
