Certain Quote by Demetri Martin

“I keep a lighter in my back pocket all the time. I'm not a smoker, I just really like certain songs.”

Demetri Martin

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Certain Comedy Funny Pockets Song Time

More by Demetri Martin

I think hair gel was invented to make it easier to identify assholes from a distance.

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Tic Tacs are the maracas of breath mints.

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When someone describes themself as a taxpayer, they're about to be an asshole.

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I think they named the orange before the carrot.

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I like to go to concerts because I love to see my favorite band through the phone of the asshole who's standing in front…

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How fast does a zebra have to run before it looks gray.

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Skiing is my favorite sport, because, that's the only sport that is actually better to watch the worst the person is at it. "That…

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I know about Woodstock probably as much as your average person who is over 30, where I'd know Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, Grateful Dead.

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Never be less interesting than your refrigerator magnets.

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I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert.

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A Wednesday with no rain is a dry hump day.

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THING TO TRY: If you are asked to describe a suspect to a police sketch artist, describe in precise detail, the features of the…

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People don't always realize that a record is forever. It'll always be there under your name. You've got to be certain that it's right.

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Faith gives you a certain structure and meaning to your life.

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One of the deepest and strangest of all human moods is the mood which will suddenly strike us perhaps in a garden at night, or deep in sloping meadows, the feeling that every flower and leaf has just uttered something stupendously direct and important, and that we have by a prodigy of imbecility not heard or understood it. There is…

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A dialogue is very important. It is a form of communication in which question and answer continue till a question is left without an answer. Thus the question is suspended between the two persons involved in this answer and question. It is like a bud with untouched blossoms . . . If the question is left totally untouched by thought,…

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