Skiing is my favorite sport, because, that's the only sport that is actually better to watch the worst the person is at… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I know about Woodstock probably as much as your average person who is over 30, where I'd know Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin,… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
When there's someone who's dead and then someone does something that that person would not have liked, they say that that person… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
“Fact: The plastic knife is perfect for when a person just wants to make some marks on his food and get insanely… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
If you stretched the average person's intestines out from end to end, it would make them scream a lot. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I wonder if it's rude for a deaf person to talk with food in their hands. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
When I used to go on the Wikipedia page, and I haven't gone on the page in a while, there used to… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I want to get the joke to work without having to put any words or to say anything. I just want the… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
As a creative person, you want to have a foothold and sense of progress. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I like playing frisbee. It is the only sport where you can throw something at a person and it's okay. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
In America, one sure sign of success is the presence of an unnecessary waterfall in a person's yard. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
Suicide is the #1 killer of a person who is in a boat and happens to be passing under a bridge at… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
A know-it-all is a person who knows everything except for how annoying he is. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I think hair gel was invented to make it easier to identify assholes from a distance. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
When someone describes themself as a taxpayer, they're about to be an asshole. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I like to go to concerts because I love to see my favorite band through the phone of the asshole who's standing in front… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
Skiing is my favorite sport, because, that's the only sport that is actually better to watch the worst the person is at it. "That… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I know about Woodstock probably as much as your average person who is over 30, where I'd know Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, Grateful Dead. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
THING TO TRY: If you are asked to describe a suspect to a police sketch artist, describe in precise detail, the features of the… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
