Want Quotes by Demetri Martin

I want to launch a globe into space just to mess with the astronauts.

— Demetri Martin

I want to make a revolving door that says 'Pull' on it, just see how obedient people are.

— Demetri Martin

If you want to dry hump someone you don't know, just act like they were choking.

— Demetri Martin

I don't want to be my own boss. I want to be my own colleague.

— Demetri Martin

Don't forget to turn your clocks back today if you don't want your clocks to be set to the right time.

— Demetri Martin

I wear dark sunglasses when I want my head to look more like a limousine.

— Demetri Martin

If you want to feel less sexy put scotch tape on your nipples.

— Demetri Martin

When someone shows you a picture of their kids what they don't want to hear is Oh, yeah, I got pictures of…

— Demetri Martin

Man is the most powerful creature on the planet. And we're arrogant. I mean, people own birds. It's like, there's a creature…

— Demetri Martin

I want to get the joke to work without having to put any words or to say anything. I just want the…

— Demetri Martin

“Fact: The plastic knife is perfect for when a person just wants to make some marks on his food and get insanely…

— Demetri Martin

I wrapped my Christmas presents early this year, but I used the wrong paper. See, the paper I used said 'Happy Birthday'…

— Demetri Martin

If you want to make a mythical creature, just take a regular animal and add wings to it. A horse becomes a…

— Demetri Martin

Cotton balls is an example of something I would buy, but not want to have as a nickname. Cinnamon buns, on the…

— Demetri Martin

I've met a few people who were passive-aggressive, but I've never met anyone who was aggressive-passive. I don't want tacos! Maybe.

— Demetri Martin

Sometimes if I really want to get someone's attention, I'll start a sentence with something like, "I'm not racist, but..." I say,…

— Demetri Martin

When someone asks you the question 'Are you ticklish' it doesn't matter if you say yes or no, cause they're going to…

— Demetri Martin

I like video games, but they are very violent. I want to create a video game in which you have to help…

— Demetri Martin

I like stand-up. But I'd also like a family and house and a yard. I want to work with a lot of…

— Demetri Martin

Laborers want their kids to be merchants or business people. Business people want their kids to be professionals. Professionals want their kids…

— Demetri Martin

I live in New York and there are a lot of famous... pizzerias in my neighborhood, it's really hard to find one…

— Demetri Martin

There are jokes I know I want to tell, and there's sort of a rough order, but usually I try to change…

— Demetri Martin

I set a personal record on Christmas. I got my shopping done three weeks ahead of time. I had all the presents…

— Demetri Martin

My friend named his car. And I don't want to be judgemental, but... what a dork.

— Demetri Martin

Cottonballs are an example of something I'd want to buy, but not have as a nickname.

— Demetri Martin

As a creative person, you want to have a foothold and sense of progress.

— Demetri Martin

Don't talk to strangers. Sure, unless you want to meet anyone ever.

— Demetri Martin

I want to commit a crime during a reenactment, and turn it into an enactment.

— Demetri Martin

A musical is the same as a burlap sack, I would not want to be in either

— Demetri Martin

I have fun acting, and I want to do more of it, and I want to direct my own movie.

— Demetri Martin

When I trip, I feel like that's the world saying come here for a second. It just pulls me closer for a…

— Demetri Martin