THING TO TRY: If you are asked to describe a suspect to a police sketch artist, describe in precise detail, the features… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I like "Rock, Paper, Scissors Two-Thirds." You know. "Rock breaks scissors." "These scissors are bent. They're destroyed. I can't cut stuff. So… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
Conclusions are based in time. We live in time. So any definition of success is bound up with time. With other things… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
Man versus woman equals fun. Man versus man equals gay. Woman versus woman equals awesome. Man versus pillow equals crazy. Pillow versus… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
Artistically, I find jokes really satisfying aesthetically, because there's something great about getting an idea down to a sentence or two. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
It seems that two of the most basic forms of comedy are jokes and stories. And, of course, they are not mutually… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I saw a dog wearing a sweater and I thought that looked ridiculous 'cause dogs don't have arms. If you're going to… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
It feels like every day or two, people on Twitter and the Internet are outraged about something. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
It's hard to know what's gay in life. Boxing. That's two men fighting over a belt. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
There are two kinds of jackets - reversible, and reversible but it's hard to zipper up and it looks really stupid. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
Sometimes, when something really great happens to me, I like to wait two weeks before I tell anyone about it, because I… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
Earrings are the same as sneezes: Two is okay, but ten in a row is annoying. If you have two then, God… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I think hair gel was invented to make it easier to identify assholes from a distance. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
When someone describes themself as a taxpayer, they're about to be an asshole. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I like to go to concerts because I love to see my favorite band through the phone of the asshole who's standing in front… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
Skiing is my favorite sport, because, that's the only sport that is actually better to watch the worst the person is at it. "That… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I know about Woodstock probably as much as your average person who is over 30, where I'd know Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, Grateful Dead. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
THING TO TRY: If you are asked to describe a suspect to a police sketch artist, describe in precise detail, the features of the… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
