Two Quotes by Demetri Martin

13 Two quotes by Demetri Martin

Martin’s deadpan humor loves a good binary. These thirteen quips play with wordplay and observation, turning the simple notion of “two” into a surprisingly clever punchline.

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It feels like every day or two, people on Twitter and the Internet are outraged about something.

Demetri Martin

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It's hard to know what's gay in life. Boxing. That's two men fighting over a belt.

Demetri Martin

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The shortest distance between two idiots is a conga line.

Demetri Martin

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Earrings are the same as sneezes: Two is okay, but ten in a row is annoying. If you have two then, God…

Demetri Martin

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It seems that two of the most basic forms of comedy are jokes and stories. And, of course, they are not mutually…

Demetri Martin

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I saw a dog wearing a sweater and I thought that looked ridiculous 'cause dogs don't have arms. If you're going to…

Demetri Martin

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THING TO TRY: If you are asked to describe a suspect to a police sketch artist, describe in precise detail, the features…

Demetri Martin

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There are two kinds of jackets - reversible, and reversible but it's hard to zipper up and it looks really stupid.

Demetri Martin

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Sometimes, when something really great happens to me, I like to wait two weeks before I tell anyone about it, because I…

Demetri Martin

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Artistically, I find jokes really satisfying aesthetically, because there's something great about getting an idea down to a sentence or two.

Demetri Martin

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Man versus woman equals fun. Man versus man equals gay. Woman versus woman equals awesome. Man versus pillow equals crazy. Pillow versus…

Demetri Martin

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Conclusions are based in time. We live in time. So any definition of success is bound up with time. With other things…

Demetri Martin

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I like "Rock, Paper, Scissors Two-Thirds." You know. "Rock breaks scissors." "These scissors are bent. They're destroyed. I can't cut stuff. So…

Demetri Martin

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More by Demetri Martin

I think hair gel was invented to make it easier to identify assholes from a distance.

Demetri Martin

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Tic Tacs are the maracas of breath mints.

Demetri Martin

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When someone describes themself as a taxpayer, they're about to be an asshole.

Demetri Martin

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I think they named the orange before the carrot.

Demetri Martin

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I like to go to concerts because I love to see my favorite band through the phone of the asshole who's standing in front…

Demetri Martin

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How fast does a zebra have to run before it looks gray.

Demetri Martin

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Skiing is my favorite sport, because, that's the only sport that is actually better to watch the worst the person is at it. "That…

Demetri Martin

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I know about Woodstock probably as much as your average person who is over 30, where I'd know Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, Grateful Dead.

Demetri Martin

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Never be less interesting than your refrigerator magnets.

Demetri Martin

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I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert.

Demetri Martin

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A Wednesday with no rain is a dry hump day.

Demetri Martin

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THING TO TRY: If you are asked to describe a suspect to a police sketch artist, describe in precise detail, the features of the…

Demetri Martin

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If you happen to catch on fire during the show, do not panic or wave your arms around or scream or we wil give…

Demetri Martin

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They say that structure is freedom, and in a sense it is. When you're dealing with multiple constraints, you have to figure out what…

Demetri Martin

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I think my favorite sound is the sound of someone not playing the bongos.

Demetri Martin

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