I can Quotes by Demetri Martin

13 I can quotes by Demetri Martin

Demetri Martin’s 13 "I can" snippets showcase his knack for turning a simple affirmation into a witty observation, offering a light‑hearted yet thoughtful pause.

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I can always tell how stupid someone is by how certain they are about what they're saying.

Demetri Martin

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I can tell how lonely I am by how easily I'm fooled by a mannequin in a store.

Demetri Martin

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The shortest feedback loop I can think of is doing improvisation in front of an audience.

Demetri Martin

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I can move objects with my mind, if I use my hands.

Demetri Martin

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Stand up is really fun because if I think of a joke or a funny idea, then I can just go and…

Demetri Martin

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Last week I lost my temper in my karate class. Man, I'm not doing that again until I'm a black belt. Because…

Demetri Martin

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I have an air mattress. It's great because if someone tries to suffocate me in bed I can just poke a hole…

Demetri Martin

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I equals all of the ifs added up over time. The ifs, those are the possibilities; that's infinite for all of us.…

Demetri Martin

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I love motor learning because it's very basic and primal. A lot of what I like to learn correlates with the opposite…

Demetri Martin

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When I was younger, I'd get very empirical with myself. "I have a hypothesis about myself. I'll put myself in a situation,…

Demetri Martin

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I don't think I ever wrote a song. I can write a lot of jokes, but when I try to write lyrics…

Demetri Martin

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I was thinking how strange it is that water is one of the best, simplest things on this planet, and still with…

Demetri Martin

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I like "Rock, Paper, Scissors Two-Thirds." You know. "Rock breaks scissors." "These scissors are bent. They're destroyed. I can't cut stuff. So…

Demetri Martin

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More by Demetri Martin

I think hair gel was invented to make it easier to identify assholes from a distance.

Demetri Martin

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Tic Tacs are the maracas of breath mints.

Demetri Martin

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When someone describes themself as a taxpayer, they're about to be an asshole.

Demetri Martin

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I think they named the orange before the carrot.

Demetri Martin

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I like to go to concerts because I love to see my favorite band through the phone of the asshole who's standing in front…

Demetri Martin

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How fast does a zebra have to run before it looks gray.

Demetri Martin

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Skiing is my favorite sport, because, that's the only sport that is actually better to watch the worst the person is at it. "That…

Demetri Martin

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I know about Woodstock probably as much as your average person who is over 30, where I'd know Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, Grateful Dead.

Demetri Martin

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Never be less interesting than your refrigerator magnets.

Demetri Martin

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I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert.

Demetri Martin

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A Wednesday with no rain is a dry hump day.

Demetri Martin

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THING TO TRY: If you are asked to describe a suspect to a police sketch artist, describe in precise detail, the features of the…

Demetri Martin

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If you happen to catch on fire during the show, do not panic or wave your arms around or scream or we wil give…

Demetri Martin

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They say that structure is freedom, and in a sense it is. When you're dealing with multiple constraints, you have to figure out what…

Demetri Martin

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I think my favorite sound is the sound of someone not playing the bongos.

Demetri Martin

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