I can tell how lonely I am by how easily I'm fooled by a mannequin in a store. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
The shortest feedback loop I can think of is doing improvisation in front of an audience. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I can always tell how stupid someone is by how certain they are about what they're saying. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I have an air mattress. It's great because if someone tries to suffocate me in bed I can just poke a hole… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
Stand up is really fun because if I think of a joke or a funny idea, then I can just go and… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
Last week I lost my temper in my karate class. Man, I'm not doing that again until I'm a black belt. Because… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I love motor learning because it's very basic and primal. A lot of what I like to learn correlates with the opposite… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
When I was younger, I'd get very empirical with myself. "I have a hypothesis about myself. I'll put myself in a situation,… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I don't think I ever wrote a song. I can write a lot of jokes, but when I try to write lyrics… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I equals all of the ifs added up over time. The ifs, those are the possibilities; that's infinite for all of us.… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I was thinking how strange it is that water is one of the best, simplest things on this planet, and still with… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I like "Rock, Paper, Scissors Two-Thirds." You know. "Rock breaks scissors." "These scissors are bent. They're destroyed. I can't cut stuff. So… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I think hair gel was invented to make it easier to identify assholes from a distance. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
When someone describes themself as a taxpayer, they're about to be an asshole. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I like to go to concerts because I love to see my favorite band through the phone of the asshole who's standing in front… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
Skiing is my favorite sport, because, that's the only sport that is actually better to watch the worst the person is at it. "That… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I know about Woodstock probably as much as your average person who is over 30, where I'd know Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, Grateful Dead. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
THING TO TRY: If you are asked to describe a suspect to a police sketch artist, describe in precise detail, the features of the… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
