It would be nice if people said, God bless you not just when you sneezed but also when you farted. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I want to make a revolving door that says 'Pull' on it, just see how obedient people are. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I wanna design a video game where you'd have to take care of all the people shot in all the other video… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
It feels like every day or two, people on Twitter and the Internet are outraged about something. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
Hot Potato is a very different game when the people playing are starving. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
A parade looks like a bunch of people are excited about being in traffic. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
A lot of people like lollipops. I don't like lollipops. To me, a lollipop is hard candy plus garbage. I don't need… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
Stand up is really fun because if I think of a joke or a funny idea, then I can just go and… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I like video games, but they're really violent. I'd like to play a video game where you help the people who were… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
Surprise parties are strange 'cause people jump up and they yell the word, 'surprise' at the party. I came home and you… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I like when people wear a WWJD bracelet, because it's like an example of the first thing Jesus wouldn't do, probably. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
There's a saying that goes, 'People who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones.' OK. How about, 'Nobody should throw stones'? That's… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I've heard of many chocoholics, but I ain't never seen no "chocohol". We got an epidemic, people: people who like chocolate but… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
A lot of people don't like bumper stickers. I don't mind bumper stickers. To me a bumper sticker is a shortcut. It's… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I don't think I ever wrote a song. I can write a lot of jokes, but when I try to write lyrics… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I do come across people who don't like me, don't like my comedy, don't think it's funny, it's too cutesy, or whatever… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
To some I am known as Chief. And these are usually people who work in Radio Shack or try to sell me… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
Man is the most powerful creature on the planet. And we're arrogant. I mean, people own birds. It's like, there's a creature… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
People and squirrels are very different. Most people will not argue that. But I find that there is one situation in which… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
When I dropped out [from a law school], everybody was disappointed... But I found that disappointing people is a good thing, because… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I go the gym and I try to run on the treadmill and I listen to music but it doesn't motivate me… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
Like a lot of people, I’ve always enjoyed commenting on strangers’ outfits. Unlike a lot of people, I now had a new… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
People only mention it's a free country if they're doing something shitty. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
Our Times, a Brief History: As televisions became flatter, People became rounder. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I think statues are great; they show what great people would look like if a bird sh*t all over them. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
A sports bar is a way to take a bar and fill it with even more annoying people than usual. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
But I found that disappointing people is a good thing, because disapproval is freedom. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I think since I was kid people told me that they thought I was funny. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
Here is a tip for all you young people drinking wine. With pasta, drink white wine. With steak, drink red wine. And… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I've met a few people who were passive-aggressive, but I've never met anyone who was aggressive-passive. I don't want tacos! Maybe. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I think that when you get dressed in the morning, sometimes you're really making a decision about your behavior for the day.… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
For me and most of my friends who are comedians, if you've been doing comedy for a while, your tolerance for things… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I was thinking how strange it is that water is one of the best, simplest things on this planet, and still with… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I think as a performer, it can be really great to stand on stage, especially when you have more time, but I… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
THING TO TRY: If you are asked to describe a suspect to a police sketch artist, describe in precise detail, the features… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I think hair gel was invented to make it easier to identify assholes from a distance. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
When someone describes themself as a taxpayer, they're about to be an asshole. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I like to go to concerts because I love to see my favorite band through the phone of the asshole who's standing in front… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
Skiing is my favorite sport, because, that's the only sport that is actually better to watch the worst the person is at it. "That… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I know about Woodstock probably as much as your average person who is over 30, where I'd know Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, Grateful Dead. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
THING TO TRY: If you are asked to describe a suspect to a police sketch artist, describe in precise detail, the features of the… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
![“When I dropped out [from a law school], everybody was disappointed... But I found that disappointing people is a good thing, because disapproval is freedom. Before that, I never realized how much I sought other people's approval. Once I figured that out, I was free to move on and seek the approval…” quote by Demetri Martin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/img-quotes/1b0/demetri-martin-511_approval_when-i-dropped-out-from-a-law-school-eve_2671287.jpg)
