Time Quotes by Demetri Martin

Our Times, a Brief History: As televisions became flatter, People became rounder.

— Demetri Martin

The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.

— Demetri Martin

I don't have to kill myself, time is going to do that.

— Demetri Martin

Yes" actually means "No" 100% of the time, when the question is "Can I give you some advice?

— Demetri Martin

If I were blind, I'd wear a blindfold all the time.

— Demetri Martin

I have a time machine at home. It only goes forward at regular speed

— Demetri Martin

I keep a lighter in my back pocket all the time. I'm not a smoker, I just really like certain songs.

— Demetri Martin

I think the Worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of Charades

— Demetri Martin

How many of you are creative? I don't know, but for me, when you make a bunch of things over time and…

— Demetri Martin

There's a store in my neighborhood called Futon World. I like that name, 'Futon World.' Makes me think of a magical place…

— Demetri Martin

I have an erratic drummer for anybody who's just listening to this, he can keep time, but just in spurts.

— Demetri Martin

Don't forget to turn your clocks back today if you don't want your clocks to be set to the right time.

— Demetri Martin

Now I got a time machine at home. It only goes foreword at regular speed. It's essentially a cardboard box and on…

— Demetri Martin

I've often liked a girl, made her laugh, and thought she liked me, and then found out that she didn't like me…

— Demetri Martin

There's an old Russian saying that goes some way or another. I don't know it. I don't speak Russian. But sometimes I…

— Demetri Martin

I care about politics, but I have a tough time making comedy out of it. I was so happy to have a…

— Demetri Martin

I equals all of the ifs added up over time. The ifs, those are the possibilities; that's infinite for all of us.…

— Demetri Martin

I think if I pick the right thing to spend my time doing, then time moves differently, because I really can get…

— Demetri Martin

Conclusions are based in time. We live in time. So any definition of success is bound up with time. With other things…

— Demetri Martin

I like birthdays. Every time someone is born, that's just like bringing more cake into the world.

— Demetri Martin

One time I saw an old man in a hurry and I thought, 'That makes sense.'

— Demetri Martin

I think one of the most groundbreaking inventions of all time is the jackhammer.

— Demetri Martin

You are ten times more likely to get hit by a car when the driver is aiming for you.

— Demetri Martin

Usually, my favorite joke is whichever joke I most recently came up with that surprised me the first time I thought of…

— Demetri Martin

Futon World - a wonderful place that becomes slowly less comfortable over time.

— Demetri Martin

I wonder if there were any goths in gothic times. They're like: You look completely appropriate. You don't look stupid or lonely…

— Demetri Martin

The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you're signing somebody's cast.

— Demetri Martin

Suicide is the #1 killer of a person who is in a boat and happens to be passing under a bridge at…

— Demetri Martin

I think the worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades...or a game of fake heart attack.

— Demetri Martin

I set a personal record on Christmas. I got my shopping done three weeks ahead of time. I had all the presents…

— Demetri Martin