I think a bad place for a fire would be the factory where they make those trick candles. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I think hair gel was invented to make it easier to identify assholes from a distance. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I think cats would have an even worse attitude if they found out how stupid their names were. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
The shortest feedback loop I can think of is doing improvisation in front of an audience. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I think one of the most groundbreaking inventions of all time is the jackhammer. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
Stand up is really fun because if I think of a joke or a funny idea, then I can just go and… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
There's a store in my neighborhood called Futon World. I like that name, 'Futon World.' Makes me think of a magical place… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I like shorter jokes. I like fewer words. I think the more ideas there are the, the fewer words there should be. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
A pipe is greater than a bong. Because when you're smoking a pipe at least it makes you look like you're thinking… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I think there are so many little hurdles and impediments with stand-up that you'd need to have this insane desire to do… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I think statues are great; they show what great people would look like if a bird sh*t all over them. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
As a comic, I think I'm very verbally oriented about a lot of the stuff that I've written or thought up and… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I'm not a lawmaker, but I was thinking that if you have a really loud ring tone, maybe you should be stabbed… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
There's an old Russian saying that goes some way or another. I don't know it. I don't speak Russian. But sometimes I… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I do come across people who don't like me, don't like my comedy, don't think it's funny, it's too cutesy, or whatever… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
The planets. Now footnote, I'm including Pluto in the planets, because I think it's terrible what they did to Pluto. And it's… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I call it 'new forms'. When you're starting out, they ask you to do four or five minute sets, but once you're… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
If I make my window ten days for stand-up, the conclusion is that I failed and that I'm not good at stand-up.… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I don't think I ever wrote a song. I can write a lot of jokes, but when I try to write lyrics… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
If I think of a joke that's really dirty and I think it's funny I'll try it but what I've found over… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I care about politics, but I have a tough time making comedy out of it. I was so happy to have a… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I didn't play music, nobody in my family had an instrument or played music, we didn't even have any books at my… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I was thinking how strange it is that water is one of the best, simplest things on this planet, and still with… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I think if I pick the right thing to spend my time doing, then time moves differently, because I really can get… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I think a lot of people who watch TV don't realize when they're watch TV shows and it says 'produced by' and… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
If you really think about it, hitting the snooze button in the morning doesn't even make sense. It's like saying, 'I hate… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
If only loud people were even half as interesting as they think they are. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I think bears and worms aren't very similar... until you think of gummy. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I think the most annoying language is a tie between all the ones I don't know how to speak. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
Never forget where you came from. That's what I think when I walk into a cave. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
Palindromes are the number one conversation stopper, like party killer, I think I've ever seen. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I think my favorite sound is the sound of someone not playing the bongos. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I think since I was kid people told me that they thought I was funny. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I think they should put pies on the fronts of trains, so that when they hit something it's at least a little… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
Usually, I walk around and think about things. When I come across a thought that makes me laugh, I write it down. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I think the best thing about being dumb is that it makes magic a lot better. Where the hell did that rat… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
The problem with my balloon collection is that people always think there's a party. Settle down. It's not a party. It's just… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I think hair gel was invented to make it easier to identify assholes from a distance. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
When someone describes themself as a taxpayer, they're about to be an asshole. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I like to go to concerts because I love to see my favorite band through the phone of the asshole who's standing in front… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
Skiing is my favorite sport, because, that's the only sport that is actually better to watch the worst the person is at it. "That… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I know about Woodstock probably as much as your average person who is over 30, where I'd know Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, Grateful Dead. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
THING TO TRY: If you are asked to describe a suspect to a police sketch artist, describe in precise detail, the features of the… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
