Thinking Quotes by Demetri Martin

I think hair gel was invented to make it easier to identify assholes from a distance.

— Demetri Martin

I think they named the orange before the carrot.

— Demetri Martin

I think my favorite sound is the sound of someone not playing the bongos.

— Demetri Martin

I think if I pick the right thing to spend my time doing, then time moves differently, because I really can get…

— Demetri Martin

I think a lot of stuff I find funny is from day dreaming.

— Demetri Martin

There's a store in my neighborhood called Futon World. I like that name, 'Futon World.' Makes me think of a magical place…

— Demetri Martin

I think there are so many little hurdles and impediments with stand-up that you'd need to have this insane desire to do…

— Demetri Martin

I didn't play music, nobody in my family had an instrument or played music, we didn't even have any books at my…

— Demetri Martin

I care about politics, but I have a tough time making comedy out of it. I was so happy to have a…

— Demetri Martin

There's an old Russian saying that goes some way or another. I don't know it. I don't speak Russian. But sometimes I…

— Demetri Martin

A pipe is greater than a bong. Because when you're smoking a pipe at least it makes you look like you're thinking…

— Demetri Martin

I think a bad place for a fire would be the factory where they make those trick candles.

— Demetri Martin

If I make my window ten days for stand-up, the conclusion is that I failed and that I'm not good at stand-up.…

— Demetri Martin

I think a lot of people who watch TV don't realize when they're watch TV shows and it says 'produced by' and…

— Demetri Martin

If I think of a joke that's really dirty and I think it's funny I'll try it but what I've found over…

— Demetri Martin

As a comic, I think I'm very verbally oriented about a lot of the stuff that I've written or thought up and…

— Demetri Martin

Usually, I walk around and think about things. When I come across a thought that makes me laugh, I write it down.

— Demetri Martin

I don't think I ever wrote a song. I can write a lot of jokes, but when I try to write lyrics…

— Demetri Martin

I think statues are great; they show what great people would look like if a bird sh*t all over them.

— Demetri Martin

I think one of the most groundbreaking inventions of all time is the jackhammer.

— Demetri Martin

I was thinking how strange it is that water is one of the best, simplest things on this planet, and still with…

— Demetri Martin

The shortest feedback loop I can think of is doing improvisation in front of an audience.

— Demetri Martin

I'm not a lawmaker, but I was thinking that if you have a really loud ring tone, maybe you should be stabbed…

— Demetri Martin

I think cats would have an even worse attitude if they found out how stupid their names were.

— Demetri Martin

The planets. Now footnote, I'm including Pluto in the planets, because I think it's terrible what they did to Pluto. And it's…

— Demetri Martin