After going through years of litigation to get royalties due to him, the guy who coined the term 'happily ever after' lived… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
Conclusions are based in time. We live in time. So any definition of success is bound up with time. With other things… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I like stand-up. But I'd also like a family and house and a yard. I want to work with a lot of… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
And of course I didn't make any money from stand up for years, so I had temp jobs. That was the way… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
Halloween: the day each year when strangers give you even more specific reasons to dislike them based on what they are wearing. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
What I've learned about my self over the years is that I'm pretty restless. If I multitask it's probably because I have… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
If I make my window ten days for stand-up, the conclusion is that I failed and that I'm not good at stand-up.… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
If I think of a joke that's really dirty and I think it's funny I'll try it but what I've found over… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I started being a comedy fan when I was, I'm going to guess, like 5 or 6 years old. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
It's weird to make a decision where everyone in your life disapproves, pretty vocally and directly. They said, "You've got one year… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I wrapped my Christmas presents early this year, but I used the wrong paper. See, the paper I used said 'Happy Birthday'… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
Sometimes I feel like I'm being watched, but then I remember that my show was canceled three years ago. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
When I trip, I feel like that's the world saying come here for a second. It just pulls me closer for a… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I think hair gel was invented to make it easier to identify assholes from a distance. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
When someone describes themself as a taxpayer, they're about to be an asshole. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I like to go to concerts because I love to see my favorite band through the phone of the asshole who's standing in front… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
Skiing is my favorite sport, because, that's the only sport that is actually better to watch the worst the person is at it. "That… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I know about Woodstock probably as much as your average person who is over 30, where I'd know Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, Grateful Dead. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
THING TO TRY: If you are asked to describe a suspect to a police sketch artist, describe in precise detail, the features of the… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
