Dues Quote by Demetri Martin

“After going through years of litigation to get royalties due to him, the guy who coined the term 'happily ever after' lived reasonably well for a while.”

Demetri Martin

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Dues Ever after Guy Happily ever after Royalty Term Through the years Wells Years

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I think hair gel was invented to make it easier to identify assholes from a distance.

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Tic Tacs are the maracas of breath mints.

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When someone describes themself as a taxpayer, they're about to be an asshole.

Demetri Martin

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I think they named the orange before the carrot.

Demetri Martin

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I like to go to concerts because I love to see my favorite band through the phone of the asshole who's standing in front…

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How fast does a zebra have to run before it looks gray.

Demetri Martin

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Skiing is my favorite sport, because, that's the only sport that is actually better to watch the worst the person is at it. "That…

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I know about Woodstock probably as much as your average person who is over 30, where I'd know Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, Grateful Dead.

Demetri Martin

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Never be less interesting than your refrigerator magnets.

Demetri Martin

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I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert.

Demetri Martin

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A Wednesday with no rain is a dry hump day.

Demetri Martin

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THING TO TRY: If you are asked to describe a suspect to a police sketch artist, describe in precise detail, the features of the…

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Explore all 508 Demetri Martin quotes

More Dues quotes

We have no clear ideas of the agency of [demonic] spirits, nor is it necessary. The Scripture says little to satisfy our curiosity; but…

John Newton

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The Only cure for nihilism is for liberal democratic societies - their electorates, their judiciary, and their political leadership- to insist that force is…

Michael Ignatieff

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I have no hesitation in saying that although the American woman never leaves her domestic sphere and is in some respects very dependent within…

Alexis de Tocqueville

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I suggest due process, speedy trials, and public hangings.

L. Neil Smith

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The Role of Deliberate Practice in the Acquisition of Expert Performance”: “The differences between expert performers and normal adults are not immutable, that is,…

K. Anders Ericsson

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The execution was set for the 29th of March, at nine in the morning. This delay was due to a desire on the part…

Jorge Luis Borges

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If you are trying to live a life in accordance with the Bible, the concept and call to justice are inescapable. We do justice…

Timothy Keller

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I'd never been much of an athlete, due to a physical condition I'd had since birth (unathleticism). Perhaps if there were a sport centered…

Colson Whitehead

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Used with due abstinence, hope acts as a healthful tonic; intemperately indulged, as an enervating opiate. The visions of future triumph, which at first…

James Fitzjames Stephen

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RUBBISH, n. Worthless matter, such as the religions, philosophies, literatures, arts and sciences of the tribes infesting the regions lying due south from Boreaplas.

Ambrose Bierce