To look like you are a real sports fan, when there is a game on TV just yell, Oh, come on! every… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
When I am holding a water balloon, so many things look so unnecessarily dry. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
Sometimes it looks like I'm dancing, but it's just that I walked into a spider web. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
A cool tattoo design is any drawing that would also look good saggy. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
The chances of someone who looks like Jesus having pot raises steadily, to a point. If the guy is on a cross… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
Dogs seem more photogenic than cats. In photos most cats look like sociopaths. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
Use crazy glue and nails to turn a rocking chair into just a chair that looks like a rocking chair. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
A pipe is greater than a bong. Because when you're smoking a pipe at least it makes you look like you're thinking… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
A parade looks like a bunch of people are excited about being in traffic. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
If you have a lip ring try hanging some tiny keys from it. This will make you look even more interesting. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
Sometimes if I really want to get someone's attention, I'll start a sentence with something like, "I'm not racist, but..." I say,… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I think statues are great; they show what great people would look like if a bird sh*t all over them. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
How many of you are creative? I don't know, but for me, when you make a bunch of things over time and… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I want to get the joke to work without having to put any words or to say anything. I just want the… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
History, like wallpaper, repeats itself and can also make a room look old-fashioned. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I wonder if there were any goths in gothic times. They're like: You look completely appropriate. You don't look stupid or lonely… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
A straw enables you to drink without using your wrist. A straw is your friend - until you lose eye contact with… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I wear dark sunglasses when I want my head to look more like a limousine. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
There are two kinds of jackets - reversible, and reversible but it's hard to zipper up and it looks really stupid. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I think it would be cool if you were writing a ransom note on your computer, if the paper clip popped up… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
When I look up at the clouds I see so many animals, mostly sheep who have lost their limbs and heads. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I think hair gel was invented to make it easier to identify assholes from a distance. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
When someone describes themself as a taxpayer, they're about to be an asshole. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I like to go to concerts because I love to see my favorite band through the phone of the asshole who's standing in front… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
Skiing is my favorite sport, because, that's the only sport that is actually better to watch the worst the person is at it. "That… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I know about Woodstock probably as much as your average person who is over 30, where I'd know Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, Grateful Dead. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
THING TO TRY: If you are asked to describe a suspect to a police sketch artist, describe in precise detail, the features of the… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
