Food Quotes by Demetri Martin

14 Food quotes by Demetri Martin

Demetri Martin’s quirky wordplay lands on the plate with a side of cleverness. In these fourteen lines you’ll find everyday culinary moments turned into clever one‑liners that linger longer than a snack.

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A lot of things look cooler in slow motion. Eating isn't one of them.

Demetri Martin

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Every fight is a food fight when youre a cannibal.

Demetri Martin

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My mind says one thing, but my body says another. Thanks a lot, Indian food and beer.

Demetri Martin

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When a couch potato is sliced up and then deep fried that is couch french fries.

Demetri Martin

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Hot Potato is a very different game when the people playing are starving.

Demetri Martin

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Cotton candy is the perfect snack for when I'm in the mood to eat dry, scratchy fabric.

Demetri Martin

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“Fact: The plastic knife is perfect for when a person just wants to make some marks on his food and get insanely…

Demetri Martin

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I've heard of many chocoholics, but I ain't never seen no "chocohol". We got an epidemic, people: people who like chocolate but…

Demetri Martin

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I like to use 'I Can't Believe it's Not Butter' on my toast in the morning, because sometimes when I eat breakfast,…

Demetri Martin

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“Hotel Conundrum: The continental breakfast. What is it that makes continents so shitty at providing an adequate breakfast?”

Demetri Martin

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I live in New York and there are a lot of famous... pizzerias in my neighborhood, it's really hard to find one…

Demetri Martin

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I like fruit baskets because it gives you the ability to mail someone a piece of fruit without appearing insane. Like, if…

Demetri Martin

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My favorite fruit is grapes. Because with grapes, you always get another chance. 'Cause, you know, if you have a crappy apple…

Demetri Martin

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When they were naming vitamins they must have thought there were going to be way more vitamins than there ended up being.…

Demetri Martin

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I think hair gel was invented to make it easier to identify assholes from a distance.

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Tic Tacs are the maracas of breath mints.

Demetri Martin

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When someone describes themself as a taxpayer, they're about to be an asshole.

Demetri Martin

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I think they named the orange before the carrot.

Demetri Martin

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I like to go to concerts because I love to see my favorite band through the phone of the asshole who's standing in front…

Demetri Martin

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How fast does a zebra have to run before it looks gray.

Demetri Martin

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Skiing is my favorite sport, because, that's the only sport that is actually better to watch the worst the person is at it. "That…

Demetri Martin

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I know about Woodstock probably as much as your average person who is over 30, where I'd know Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, Grateful Dead.

Demetri Martin

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Never be less interesting than your refrigerator magnets.

Demetri Martin

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I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert.

Demetri Martin

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A Wednesday with no rain is a dry hump day.

Demetri Martin

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THING TO TRY: If you are asked to describe a suspect to a police sketch artist, describe in precise detail, the features of the…

Demetri Martin

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If you happen to catch on fire during the show, do not panic or wave your arms around or scream or we wil give…

Demetri Martin

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They say that structure is freedom, and in a sense it is. When you're dealing with multiple constraints, you have to figure out what…

Demetri Martin

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I think my favorite sound is the sound of someone not playing the bongos.

Demetri Martin

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