If I had a bookstore I would make all the mystery novels hard to find. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
One of the most difficult and ironic murder weapons is the life jacket. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
People only mention it's a free country if they're doing something shitty. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
It's hard to know what's gay in life. Boxing. That's two men fighting over a belt. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I ordered a wake-up call the other day. The phone rang and a woman's voice said, 'What the hell are you doing… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
Checkers taught me that a King is a man with another man on top of him. But life taught me that that's… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
In retrospect, everything is finite, but prospectively, there are infinite possibilities. I guess that's what makes life hopeful. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
My family was fine, it's just a different way of going about life. Creativity was not something that was isolated and identified… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I like birthdays because we celebrate life with cakes. It's so cool. Sometimes when I see a baby, I'm like that much… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
It's very easy to go through your whole life and never really get anything done or have any real meaningful interactions or… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
It's weird to make a decision where everyone in your life disapproves, pretty vocally and directly. They said, "You've got one year… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I think hair gel was invented to make it easier to identify assholes from a distance. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
When someone describes themself as a taxpayer, they're about to be an asshole. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I like to go to concerts because I love to see my favorite band through the phone of the asshole who's standing in front… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
Skiing is my favorite sport, because, that's the only sport that is actually better to watch the worst the person is at it. "That… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I know about Woodstock probably as much as your average person who is over 30, where I'd know Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, Grateful Dead. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
THING TO TRY: If you are asked to describe a suspect to a police sketch artist, describe in precise detail, the features of the… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
