Life Quotes by Demetri Martin

13 Life quotes by Demetri Martin

Martin’s humor lands in short, sharp bursts that spotlight life’s oddities. Though brief, each line packs a clever twist that makes you smile and think.

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People only mention it's a free country if they're doing something shitty.

Demetri Martin

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The key to life is balance, especially if you are on a ledge.

Demetri Martin

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The definition of adventure depends upon how boring your life is.

Demetri Martin

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It's hard to know what's gay in life. Boxing. That's two men fighting over a belt.

Demetri Martin

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If I had a bookstore I would make all the mystery novels hard to find.

Demetri Martin

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One of the most difficult and ironic murder weapons is the life jacket.

Demetri Martin

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It's very easy to go through your whole life and never really get anything done or have any real meaningful interactions or…

Demetri Martin

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I ordered a wake-up call the other day. The phone rang and a woman's voice said, 'What the hell are you doing…

Demetri Martin

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In retrospect, everything is finite, but prospectively, there are infinite possibilities. I guess that's what makes life hopeful.

Demetri Martin

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Checkers taught me that a King is a man with another man on top of him. But life taught me that that's…

Demetri Martin

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I like birthdays because we celebrate life with cakes. It's so cool. Sometimes when I see a baby, I'm like that much…

Demetri Martin

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My family was fine, it's just a different way of going about life. Creativity was not something that was isolated and identified…

Demetri Martin

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It's weird to make a decision where everyone in your life disapproves, pretty vocally and directly. They said, "You've got one year…

Demetri Martin

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I think hair gel was invented to make it easier to identify assholes from a distance.

Demetri Martin

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Tic Tacs are the maracas of breath mints.

Demetri Martin

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When someone describes themself as a taxpayer, they're about to be an asshole.

Demetri Martin

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I think they named the orange before the carrot.

Demetri Martin

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I like to go to concerts because I love to see my favorite band through the phone of the asshole who's standing in front…

Demetri Martin

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How fast does a zebra have to run before it looks gray.

Demetri Martin

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Skiing is my favorite sport, because, that's the only sport that is actually better to watch the worst the person is at it. "That…

Demetri Martin

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I know about Woodstock probably as much as your average person who is over 30, where I'd know Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, Grateful Dead.

Demetri Martin

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Never be less interesting than your refrigerator magnets.

Demetri Martin

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I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert.

Demetri Martin

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A Wednesday with no rain is a dry hump day.

Demetri Martin

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THING TO TRY: If you are asked to describe a suspect to a police sketch artist, describe in precise detail, the features of the…

Demetri Martin

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If you happen to catch on fire during the show, do not panic or wave your arms around or scream or we wil give…

Demetri Martin

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They say that structure is freedom, and in a sense it is. When you're dealing with multiple constraints, you have to figure out what…

Demetri Martin

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I think my favorite sound is the sound of someone not playing the bongos.

Demetri Martin

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