Funny Quotes by Demetri Martin · Page 2

I was walking in the park and this guy waved at me. Then he said, 'I'm sorry, I thought you were someone…

— Demetri Martin

I keep a lighter in my back pocket all the time. I'm not a smoker, I just really like certain songs.

— Demetri Martin

I was asked to name all the presidents. I thought they already had names

— Demetri Martin

I think the Worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of Charades

— Demetri Martin

If you want to make a mythical creature, just take a regular animal and add wings to it. A horse becomes a…

— Demetri Martin

I was making pancakes the other day and a fly flew into the kitchen. And that's when I realized that a spatula…

— Demetri Martin

I have a jar at home, and I put pennies in it whenever I curse. The other day I spilled the jar.…

— Demetri Martin

I bought a dictionary. First thing I did was, I looked up the word "dictionary", and it said "you're an asshole".

— Demetri Martin

Stand up is really fun because if I think of a joke or a funny idea, then I can just go and…

— Demetri Martin

I do come across people who don't like me, don't like my comedy, don't think it's funny, it's too cutesy, or whatever…

— Demetri Martin

'Sort of' is such a harmless thing to say... sort of. It's just a filler. Sort of... it doesn't really mean anything.…

— Demetri Martin

Whenever I investigate a smell, I find that the answer is always bad. It's never: 'What is that? *sniff* muffins!'

— Demetri Martin

Sometimes I feel like I'm making a connection with a stranger, but then it turns out I'm not. Like, I was in…

— Demetri Martin

Here is a tip for all you young people drinking wine. With pasta, drink white wine. With steak, drink red wine. And…

— Demetri Martin

I've heard of many chocoholics, but I ain't never seen no "chocohol". We got an epidemic, people: people who like chocolate but…

— Demetri Martin

I was watching MTV and there were girls dancing in suspended cages. That would be an ambivalent situation: "I'm trapped! ...but enjoying…

— Demetri Martin

I set a personal record on Christmas. I got my shopping done three weeks ahead of time. I had all the presents…

— Demetri Martin

It's very easy to turn a toy into an adult toy: Location, location, location.

— Demetri Martin

I was stuck in traffic and I looked in the mirror and in the car behind me there was a couple having…

— Demetri Martin

My plumbing is all screwed up. Because it turns out, I do not own a garbage disposal.

— Demetri Martin

If I had a bookstore I would make all the mystery novels hard to find.

— Demetri Martin

Whenever I see an autobiography for sale in the book store i just flip to the about the author section. I'm like,…

— Demetri Martin

A dreamcatcher works, if your dream is to be gay.

— Demetri Martin

I'm in a weird position, because I like rainbows, but I'm not gay. So whenever I go out wearing a rainbow shirt,…

— Demetri Martin

If you can't tell a spoon from a ladle, then you're fat!

— Demetri Martin