If I think of a joke that's really dirty and I think it's funny I'll try it but what I've found over… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I saw a sign that said, 'Watch for children.' I was like, 'That sounds like a fair trade - especially if they're… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
If you have a lip ring try hanging some tiny keys from it. This will make you look even more interesting. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
Sometimes if I really want to get someone's attention, I'll start a sentence with something like, "I'm not racist, but..." I say,… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I wonder if it's rude for a deaf person to talk with food in their hands. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I'm a producer on my show, which is great, but it's also kind of a mixed blessing because there's so much responsibility.… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I think statues are great; they show what great people would look like if a bird sh*t all over them. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I saw a dog wearing a sweater and I thought that looked ridiculous 'cause dogs don't have arms. If you're going to… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I've learned something on the road, traveling around: state shapes. The easier it is to draw the shape of the state, the… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I was thinking how strange it is that water is one of the best, simplest things on this planet, and still with… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I'm not a lawmaker, but I was thinking that if you have a really loud ring tone, maybe you should be stabbed… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
If you want to make a mythical creature, just take a regular animal and add wings to it. A horse becomes a… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
Don't forget to turn your clocks back today if you don't want your clocks to be set to the right time. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I think cats would have an even worse attitude if they found out how stupid their names were. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
Timing is everything. That's a cliche. Now. If I'd said that a long time ago, I'd have been original. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
One thing I learned is that it's never OK to walk through a cemetery dressed as a mummy - even if that… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
If you really think about it, hitting the snooze button in the morning doesn't even make sense. It's like saying, 'I hate… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I wish I lived next to Carnegie Hall. Then, if someone asked me how to get to my house, I would just… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
If you are trying to impress a woman, leave any sort of show farting out of the equation. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
If I had to pick one artist to tile my bathroom I would go with MC Escher. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
Here is a tip for all you young people drinking wine. With pasta, drink white wine. With steak, drink red wine. And… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I think hair gel was invented to make it easier to identify assholes from a distance. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
When someone describes themself as a taxpayer, they're about to be an asshole. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I like to go to concerts because I love to see my favorite band through the phone of the asshole who's standing in front… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
Skiing is my favorite sport, because, that's the only sport that is actually better to watch the worst the person is at it. "That… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I know about Woodstock probably as much as your average person who is over 30, where I'd know Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, Grateful Dead. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
THING TO TRY: If you are asked to describe a suspect to a police sketch artist, describe in precise detail, the features of the… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
