One thing I learned is that it's never OK to walk through a cemetery dressed as a mummy - even if that… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I don't know if I'll ever be a master at anything, but I think that's a mistake for me personally. I don't… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I think there are so many little hurdles and impediments with stand-up that you'd need to have this insane desire to do… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I think statues are great; they show what great people would look like if a bird sh*t all over them. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
The chances of someone who looks like Jesus having pot raises steadily, to a point. If the guy is on a cross… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I have an air mattress. It's great because if someone tries to suffocate me in bed I can just poke a hole… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
If you want to make a mythical creature, just take a regular animal and add wings to it. A horse becomes a… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I saw a sign that said, 'Watch for children.' I was like, 'That sounds like a fair trade - especially if they're… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I've learned something on the road, traveling around: state shapes. The easier it is to draw the shape of the state, the… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
If I think of a joke that's really dirty and I think it's funny I'll try it but what I've found over… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
For me and most of my friends who are comedians, if you've been doing comedy for a while, your tolerance for things… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I was thinking how strange it is that water is one of the best, simplest things on this planet, and still with… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I think if I pick the right thing to spend my time doing, then time moves differently, because I really can get… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
Laborers want their kids to be merchants or business people. Business people want their kids to be professionals. Professionals want their kids… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I'm a producer on my show, which is great, but it's also kind of a mixed blessing because there's so much responsibility.… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I'm not a lawmaker, but I was thinking that if you have a really loud ring tone, maybe you should be stabbed… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I saw a dog wearing a sweater and I thought that looked ridiculous 'cause dogs don't have arms. If you're going to… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
If you really think about it, hitting the snooze button in the morning doesn't even make sense. It's like saying, 'I hate… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
Here is a tip for all you young people drinking wine. With pasta, drink white wine. With steak, drink red wine. And… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
What I've learned about my self over the years is that I'm pretty restless. If I multitask it's probably because I have… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
If only loud people were even half as interesting as they think they are. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I hate seeing people that look like you. Especially if God's living by the motto 'If at first you don't succeed.' — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
If you are wearing a bandana you better have something wise to say, because you are starting with a credibility deficit. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
Earrings are the same as sneezes: Two is okay, but ten in a row is annoying. If you have two then, God… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
If someone throws a pie at your face, just open your mouth really wide and say, 'Thanks for feeding me, a**hole.' — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
It's funny: when people always talk about the importance of role models, I used to think that was so exaggerated, but as… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
There are jokes I know I want to tell, and there's sort of a rough order, but usually I try to change… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I think hair gel was invented to make it easier to identify assholes from a distance. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
When someone describes themself as a taxpayer, they're about to be an asshole. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I like to go to concerts because I love to see my favorite band through the phone of the asshole who's standing in front… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
Skiing is my favorite sport, because, that's the only sport that is actually better to watch the worst the person is at it. "That… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I know about Woodstock probably as much as your average person who is over 30, where I'd know Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, Grateful Dead. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
THING TO TRY: If you are asked to describe a suspect to a police sketch artist, describe in precise detail, the features of the… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
