Whenever I'm on my computer, I don't type 'lol'. I type 'lqtm' - laugh quietly to myself. It's more honest. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
But long story short, I didn't start doing stand-up because I wanted to have a TV show or be an actor or… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I think it would be frustrating to be a match maker. "What do you do?" "I'm a match maker" "Aw, that's really… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I went into a clothing store, and the lady asked me what size I was. I said, 'Actual'. I'm not to scale. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I think there are so many little hurdles and impediments with stand-up that you'd need to have this insane desire to do… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
Sometimes if I really want to get someone's attention, I'll start a sentence with something like, "I'm not racist, but..." I say,… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I like stand-up. But I'd also like a family and house and a yard. I want to work with a lot of… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I was making pancakes the other day and a fly flew into the kitchen. And that's when I realized that a spatula… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
There are jokes I know I want to tell, and there's sort of a rough order, but usually I try to change… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
Sometimes I feel like I'm making a connection with a stranger, but then it turns out I'm not. Like, I was in… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I'm very hip-oriented. I focus on hips in my comedy - probably more than any other hipster comic who is out there… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I like birthdays because we celebrate life with cakes. It's so cool. Sometimes when I see a baby, I'm like that much… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I was seeing this girl and she wanted to get more serious. But I wasn't ready to, I had just gotten out… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
For me and most of my friends who are comedians, if you've been doing comedy for a while, your tolerance for things… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I think hair gel was invented to make it easier to identify assholes from a distance. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
When someone describes themself as a taxpayer, they're about to be an asshole. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I like to go to concerts because I love to see my favorite band through the phone of the asshole who's standing in front… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
Skiing is my favorite sport, because, that's the only sport that is actually better to watch the worst the person is at it. "That… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I know about Woodstock probably as much as your average person who is over 30, where I'd know Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, Grateful Dead. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
THING TO TRY: If you are asked to describe a suspect to a police sketch artist, describe in precise detail, the features of the… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
If you happen to catch on fire during the show, do not panic or wave your arms around or scream or we wil give… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
They say that structure is freedom, and in a sense it is. When you're dealing with multiple constraints, you have to figure out what… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I think my favorite sound is the sound of someone not playing the bongos. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
