I think the people I talk about are generally so stupid that they don't even know I'm saying bad things about them.… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
It's been my experience that people who make proclamations about themselves are usually the opposite of what they claim to be. If… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
I find it very annoying when people want to sit next to each other at a booth. — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
It's good that people don't like you. That's good. It means that you are doing something interesting. — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
According to an article on CNN.com, a new study says people who are bad kissers don't get laid. Where are you supposed… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
Adults end up shading things and shading the truth, and you end up lying and telling people what they want to hear. — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
I had an abortion when I was 16. Because that's what I should have done. Otherwise I would now have a 20-year-old… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
I don't appreciate people who celebrate their dog's birthdays with "dog parties," and then invite their friends who don't even have dogs.… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with some one long-term, the last people I would introduce him to would… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
I think we can all agree that sleeping around is a great way to meet people. — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
Have you ever been to an AA meeting? No wonder these people are alcoholics - I've never needed a drink more badly… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
Obviously you want to be smart enough to take other people's advice and take that into consideration, and obviously try to surround… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
I like to just follow what I find compelling. In order for me to be compelling, I have to be compelled. I… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
First of all, who cares if people hate you? There's always a guarantee that certain people will dislike you. There's never any… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
People confuse the fact that I discuss drinking openly with the idea that I'm a heavy drinker. I don't want girls at… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
I like to laugh. It's kind of escapism. I like to make people laugh. And I kind of like people just to… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
The only people I owe an apology to are my dead parents. Except my father because he's still alive. — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
People ask me why I'm so hard on men. It's because they've gotten a really easy ride. And it's not that I… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
I would rather sit next to a transgender person and discuss why every single one I've met smells like a bar in… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
I'm a worker. I like to work and I like to provide work for other people. I like to put people on… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
We're not actors, we're people behaving like ourselves on TV. We're both [me and Gordon Ramsay] exactly who we are on TV.… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
A lot of people think that keying a car isn't the right way to get back at a guy. I disagree. — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
Another thing I take issue with are people who take their dogs on "play dates," or even worse, people who choose to… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
I think the people I talk about are generally so stupid that they don't even know I'm saying bad things about them. I've run… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
At some point during almost every romantic comedy, the female lead suddenly trips and falls, stumbling helplessly over something ridiculous like a leaf, and… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
A federal grand jury is investigating allegations that David Copperfield raped, assaulted and threatened a woman he took to his private island in the… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
It's been my experience that people who make proclamations about themselves are usually the opposite of what they claim to be. If someone is… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
“My mother agreed to aid my abuse of alcohol but only if I promised never to tell my newly converted Mormon sister, whose identity… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
I try to not overthink anything. I don't understand why nipples are nudity. Who cares? Men can show their nipples but if we have… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
Seeing your mother naked is not something you easily recover from. Seeing your mother naked and jumping from one side of a king-sized bed… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
I don't like the word 'alcoholic'. I like to think of myself as an advanced drinker. — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
I can remember my first one-night stand like it was yesterday. Well, maybe not the first. Or the second¦ or the fifth. Ill just… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
“It was quite obvious that without severe behavior modification, this boy would grow up to be a serial killer.” — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
Why he would agree to install an eight-by-eight-foot fish tank and then not fill it with a single dolphin made me want to burn… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
