At some point during almost every romantic comedy, the female lead suddenly trips and falls, stumbling helplessly over something ridiculous like a… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
Then they have the audacity to go shopping and pick out their own gifts. I want to know who the first person… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
You don't mess with janitors, first of all, they have like 40 keys, and 1 is to a closet you don't want… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
First of all, who cares if people hate you? There's always a guarantee that certain people will dislike you. There's never any… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
I was in a tailspin of confusion I hadn't experienced since the first time I heard George W. Bush speak. — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
Men don’t realize that if we’re sleeping with them on the first date, we’re probably not interested in seeing them again either. — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
Instead of having a baby, why dont you get a tattoo of a baby first, and see how that works out for… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
“This kind of mixing of ingredients happens all the time at fast-food places... You know when you order french fries and there's… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
Paris Hilton is going on a goodwill mission to Rwanda. Its the first time an entire Third World country will have to… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
I met my first midget in Mexico, and he was a waiter with a sombrero on his head, filled with chips and… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
I think the people I talk about are generally so stupid that they don't even know I'm saying bad things about them. I've run… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
At some point during almost every romantic comedy, the female lead suddenly trips and falls, stumbling helplessly over something ridiculous like a leaf, and… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
A federal grand jury is investigating allegations that David Copperfield raped, assaulted and threatened a woman he took to his private island in the… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
It's been my experience that people who make proclamations about themselves are usually the opposite of what they claim to be. If someone is… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
“My mother agreed to aid my abuse of alcohol but only if I promised never to tell my newly converted Mormon sister, whose identity… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
I try to not overthink anything. I don't understand why nipples are nudity. Who cares? Men can show their nipples but if we have… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
Seeing your mother naked is not something you easily recover from. Seeing your mother naked and jumping from one side of a king-sized bed… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
I don't like the word 'alcoholic'. I like to think of myself as an advanced drinker. — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
I can remember my first one-night stand like it was yesterday. Well, maybe not the first. Or the second¦ or the fifth. Ill just… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
“It was quite obvious that without severe behavior modification, this boy would grow up to be a serial killer.” — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
Why he would agree to install an eight-by-eight-foot fish tank and then not fill it with a single dolphin made me want to burn… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
