The only people I owe an apology to are my dead parents. Except my father because he's still alive. — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
I look hot and, most of all, skinny. I love the day after throwing up. I felt like a feather. — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
“I have no doubt that my mother's pregnancy with me was an accident. Mostly because on several occasions, she told me I… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
“My mother agreed to aid my abuse of alcohol but only if I promised never to tell my newly converted Mormon sister,… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
Seeing your mother naked is not something you easily recover from. Seeing your mother naked and jumping from one side of a… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
“My mother is the antithesis of a typical Jewish mother, she is very soft-spoken and takes more naps that a cat. As… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
Amy Winehouse's mother wrote an open letter to the News of the World newspaper telling Amy she's worried about her and to… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
My mother told me that life isn't always about pleasing yourself and that sometimes you have to do things for the sole… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
“The problem with the suspenders my mother bought for him is that he hasn't adjusted the straps since he got them. So… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
“My mother is European and expresses her love through food and cuddling. She wasn't the type of mother who would make it… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
“Seconds later, the female security officer grabbed a pair of my father's shorts from the top of the duffel bag, and emptied… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
I would never get married while my father is still alive because I wouldn't want him to walk me down the aisle. — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
My relationship with my father had been on the proverbial fritz since the time I was fifteen and called the police to… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
I definitely don't want to have kids ... I don't think I'd be a great mother. I'm a great aunt or friend… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
I think the people I talk about are generally so stupid that they don't even know I'm saying bad things about them. I've run… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
At some point during almost every romantic comedy, the female lead suddenly trips and falls, stumbling helplessly over something ridiculous like a leaf, and… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
A federal grand jury is investigating allegations that David Copperfield raped, assaulted and threatened a woman he took to his private island in the… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
It's been my experience that people who make proclamations about themselves are usually the opposite of what they claim to be. If someone is… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
“My mother agreed to aid my abuse of alcohol but only if I promised never to tell my newly converted Mormon sister, whose identity… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
I try to not overthink anything. I don't understand why nipples are nudity. Who cares? Men can show their nipples but if we have… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
Seeing your mother naked is not something you easily recover from. Seeing your mother naked and jumping from one side of a king-sized bed… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
I don't like the word 'alcoholic'. I like to think of myself as an advanced drinker. — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
I can remember my first one-night stand like it was yesterday. Well, maybe not the first. Or the second¦ or the fifth. Ill just… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
“It was quite obvious that without severe behavior modification, this boy would grow up to be a serial killer.” — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
Why he would agree to install an eight-by-eight-foot fish tank and then not fill it with a single dolphin made me want to burn… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
