Have you ever been to an AA meeting? No wonder these people are alcoholics - I've never needed a drink more badly… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
“My time in heaven was up, and I was being told I wasn't the marrying kind by someone who undresses for a… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
It's a pleasure to play my sister because everything I've accused her of my whole life, I can now re-enact before her… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
I think it's important to be involved with charities that don't necessarily reflect what you're dealing with in your life. — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
It's a dream come true to have someone else portray me. Because I've been living this life for a long time, and… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
My mother told me that life isn't always about pleasing yourself and that sometimes you have to do things for the sole… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
“I tried to think of a worse experience I had had in my life, and all I could come up with was… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
When I look at all the people that I have working for me and the company I've started and all the people… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
The whole thing about my books and my life is that I create drama's always around me. — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
“It was Valentine's Day and I had spent the day in bed with my life partner, Ketel One. The two of us… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
My whole life is reading tabloid magazines. It’s really sad, because that’s what my show is all about — what is going… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
I think the people in your life are the people that - when you can make other people happy and you can… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
If you have to work at McDonald's, good for you. But on a side note, good luck with the rest of your… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
I think the people I talk about are generally so stupid that they don't even know I'm saying bad things about them. I've run… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
At some point during almost every romantic comedy, the female lead suddenly trips and falls, stumbling helplessly over something ridiculous like a leaf, and… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
A federal grand jury is investigating allegations that David Copperfield raped, assaulted and threatened a woman he took to his private island in the… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
It's been my experience that people who make proclamations about themselves are usually the opposite of what they claim to be. If someone is… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
“My mother agreed to aid my abuse of alcohol but only if I promised never to tell my newly converted Mormon sister, whose identity… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
I try to not overthink anything. I don't understand why nipples are nudity. Who cares? Men can show their nipples but if we have… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
Seeing your mother naked is not something you easily recover from. Seeing your mother naked and jumping from one side of a king-sized bed… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
I don't like the word 'alcoholic'. I like to think of myself as an advanced drinker. — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
I can remember my first one-night stand like it was yesterday. Well, maybe not the first. Or the second¦ or the fifth. Ill just… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
“It was quite obvious that without severe behavior modification, this boy would grow up to be a serial killer.” — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
Why he would agree to install an eight-by-eight-foot fish tank and then not fill it with a single dolphin made me want to burn… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
