It's been my experience that people who make proclamations about themselves are usually the opposite of what they claim to be. — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
When I look at all the people that I have working for me and the company I've started and all the people… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
I’ll always be doing stand-up as long as people are still interested in seeing me. — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
It's hard to tell these days what gender people are. You don't know if they're gay, if they're straight, or Bruce Jenner. — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
It would be nice if everybody were a little bit more mindful of what kind of product you're putting out there. Nothing's… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
People always tell me I need to have a kid, and I say, No, I don't. Because I wouldn't have just one… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
People who have experience and credentials, they should be talking about that [Donald Trump presenting on TV]. I know everybody cares about… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
I think being able to have follow-through, I think a lot of people who are in charge, that is the one quality… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
Whoever calls and asks me to do stuff and obviously, with having your own TV show, people want you to get involved.… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
For the gay and lesbian community, even though I'm not gay I think its really important to speak out for people that… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
What about your constitutional right to bear arms, you say. I would simply point out that you don’t have to exercise a… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
I'm very much about letting other people shine, because it makes us all shine brighter. — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
You should never be mean to other girls. I don't care what grade you're in. Be nice to people until you're my… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
I wanted to kick Bruce in the taint. No one is just one thing. Many things contribute to the whole of a… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
Lydia was the kind of friend whom people referred to as a 'party favor' -- always fun to be around but she… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
I don't like people who have babies and act like they did something that the rest of us can't figure out. Anybody… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
I don't like people who drink decaf coffee it's like what. Why you drinking it? Like it taste so good? That's like… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
Britney Spears' album Blackout is one of the hottest-selling CDs in the country. We're in a bad place, people: The world is… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
I don't think the problem is telling people you're on a diet. The problem is eating ice cream for breakfast. — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
I hate that people assume guys are the only ones to want sex. Girls want sex, too, and that shouldn't be a… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
Then a homeless man with a dog approached us and put his hand out. This happens to be something that I have… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
I think the people in your life are the people that - when you can make other people happy and you can… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
You get photographed together when there's 25 people with you and people assume that you're having sex, which is definitely not the case. — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
A Catholic priest who’s been sending threatening notes to Conan O’Brien was charged with stalking in the fourth degree. It just goes… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
I think it's important to be authentic to who you are, and if you're inauthentic at all, people smell that from a… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
I think the people I talk about are generally so stupid that they don't even know I'm saying bad things about them. I've run… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
At some point during almost every romantic comedy, the female lead suddenly trips and falls, stumbling helplessly over something ridiculous like a leaf, and… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
A federal grand jury is investigating allegations that David Copperfield raped, assaulted and threatened a woman he took to his private island in the… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
It's been my experience that people who make proclamations about themselves are usually the opposite of what they claim to be. If someone is… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
“My mother agreed to aid my abuse of alcohol but only if I promised never to tell my newly converted Mormon sister, whose identity… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
I try to not overthink anything. I don't understand why nipples are nudity. Who cares? Men can show their nipples but if we have… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
Seeing your mother naked is not something you easily recover from. Seeing your mother naked and jumping from one side of a king-sized bed… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
I don't like the word 'alcoholic'. I like to think of myself as an advanced drinker. — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
I can remember my first one-night stand like it was yesterday. Well, maybe not the first. Or the second¦ or the fifth. Ill just… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
“It was quite obvious that without severe behavior modification, this boy would grow up to be a serial killer.” — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
Why he would agree to install an eight-by-eight-foot fish tank and then not fill it with a single dolphin made me want to burn… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
