Dating Quote by Chelsea Handler

“I had to feign interest in all this nonsense until I could ask when I could come over and sit on his face. I didn't say that out loud, of course. I never say the things I really want to. If I did, I'd have no friends.”

Chelsea Handler

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Dating Faces Interest Loud No friends Nonsense Want

More by Chelsea Handler

I love people who have such passion for complete nonsense.

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I think the people I talk about are generally so stupid that they don't even know I'm saying bad things about them. I've run…

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At some point during almost every romantic comedy, the female lead suddenly trips and falls, stumbling helplessly over something ridiculous like a leaf, and…

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A federal grand jury is investigating allegations that David Copperfield raped, assaulted and threatened a woman he took to his private island in the…

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It's been my experience that people who make proclamations about themselves are usually the opposite of what they claim to be. If someone is…

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“My mother agreed to aid my abuse of alcohol but only if I promised never to tell my newly converted Mormon sister, whose identity…

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I try to not overthink anything. I don't understand why nipples are nudity. Who cares? Men can show their nipples but if we have…

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Seeing your mother naked is not something you easily recover from. Seeing your mother naked and jumping from one side of a king-sized bed…

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I don't like the word 'alcoholic'. I like to think of myself as an advanced drinker.

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I can remember my first one-night stand like it was yesterday. Well, maybe not the first. Or the second¦ or the fifth. Ill just…

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“It was quite obvious that without severe behavior modification, this boy would grow up to be a serial killer.”

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Why he would agree to install an eight-by-eight-foot fish tank and then not fill it with a single dolphin made me want to burn…

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Explore all 340 Chelsea Handler quotes

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