“There’s a new wine I want to try. I heard about it through the grapevine.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A drunk can't follow a line of reasoning, even if it is a double white line.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I let wine breathe. And I hold my breathe, so it can get all the air.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My love is like an empty bottle of wine. If you’re wondering, my ex wife drank it all.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick and a blanket walk into a bar. And I don’t drink, so I wasn’t around to hear the interaction between… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Wine enhances your beauty by making others look at you differently. Well, so long as they are the ones drinking it. If… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“This is for the sneeze I lost. I won’t drink to your memory, but I will snort some pepper to see your… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The state of North Carolina, Daisy, and John Wayne walked into a bar, and I shouted, “Duke!” and the bartender threw me… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Beer has that Olympic medal color,” Rot replied, “but does it have a winning taste? I’d hardly call silver a champion flavor.… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“With the money I spend on alcohol, I could support a family of four, assuming they are all heavy drinkers.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If I typed out positive words, printed them out, blended them together with fruit and ice, and spoke all those words into… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“You drink wine by the glass, and I drink wine by the trashcan. Seriously, I’ll be by the trashcan if you need… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I lean on my friends for support. It’s better than leaning on a crutch, because your friends won’t accuse you of chugging… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Spain is 4/5ths pain and 1/5th S. I drank that fifth, and I loved S.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I didn’t chug the hairspray because I’m an alcoholic. I drank it to style my throat hairs.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Whenever I drink, I always have one too many. Of course, I only ever drink one.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If you drink, you risk divulging your secrets. Here, have another glass.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’m all out of beer like I’m all out of love. But I don’t drink beer, so who cares?” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Gin is a confusing drink. It’s the only liquid that’s both wet and dry.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I decide to order wine, despite the fact that I don’t like it. But just because I don’t enjoy it is no… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Drinks heavily loaded with ice are reasonably effective, but the best way to cool down is to cuddle with a recently deceased… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’ve had a stressful day, and I need something stronger than beer. Somebody fetch me a bodybuilder. Check the cooler in the… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“When I go to the bar, I never drink much. And to do that I avoid conversations, as silence reduces saliva and… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to crush grapes. If that sounds unnecessarily cruel, then I guess you wouldn’t like to pour you… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“She’s not a pothead. That thing on her neck is a vase. And anyway, I’m all for legalization. After all, why should… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Question for your life: If Ted Kennedy made it to heaven, do you think he’s pleased with the fact that Jesus can… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’ll give you a glass of wine, if you give me a few drops of water from your eyes. I’m thirsty for… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used for pressing grapes into wine, and a magician could then cover up that wine with a blanket… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Too many abused beers have suffered in the name of networking. Let us find a better way to mix torture and business.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“To every party, I bring my own booze. No need to help me carry it, as I walk in with it already… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Wheelchairs won’t kill you. And cigarettes won’t paralyze you. Stick a wheelchair in your mouth and smoke it.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I notice when you’re gone. Or do I? How can I observe something that isn’t there?” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to make sweet, sweet music with the love of your life. Hopefully that person is me, because I’ve been… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to slow down time. Sort of like a camel in a wheelchair pushed by a thirsty Arab. Hey, Khalid,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“We have a love so pure that it makes snow seem yellow. (Don’t eat it!)” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I hid Mrs. Frozenwater’s body in the ice cube trays in my freezer. Better to keep her there than let her memory thaw out… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Two similar words might lead to two similar ideas. They might also lead to the basement, which I recently converted into a dungeon/torture chamber.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Nothing is and isn’t; nothing is and isn’t—nothing itself is, and at the same time, nothing isn’t.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“There’s only one piece of clothing I could eat fast, and that’s a scarf.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Dora J. Arod is to Jarod Ora, as yes is to yes. Yes is also the correct answer to “Will you marry me?” Other… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The best part about being kidnapped is being blindfolded and getting kicked into the trunk of a car. Boy, normally I have to beg… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
