Humor Quote by Chelsea Handler Download Open image ““I can't," I said. "I threw my back out masturbating.”” — Chelsea Handler ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ 2.1 out of 5 (5 ratings) Copy quoteShare Humor Masturbation Sex
“That should give him time for another wank. It was a good job masturbating didn’t make you go blind.” — Barbara Elsborg Copy Share Image
“He looked as shocked as if I'd asked him to masturbate in front of me.” — Dia Reeves Copy Share Image
“Why are you so embarrassed?” he asked playfully. “So you passed out during an attempted blowjob. Who doesn’t?” — Karina Halle Copy Share Image
“I had a hot date last night. Things were going well so I took her back to her house, dropped her off, and went… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The sex was good in itself, but when it was over it was over. It left me feeling abandoned. I'd sooner masturbate, at least… — Fabian Black Copy Share Image
“Do you think that's enough? Do you think going back to us fucking like porn stars and then me watching you take off so… — Sydney Croft Copy Share Image
“You think you can eat something?" he asked, and when I nodded, he smacked my behind.” — Jennifer L. Armentrout Copy Share Image
“But I wasn't done," she pouted, no longer hungry for anything but him. "Yes, you were." "Yes, sir." "Lay down on your back." "Very… — Tiffany Reisz Copy Share Image
“The last time I had an orgasm was just then,” she said bashfully. “Listening to the way you spoke…. what you said… I… um…couldn’t… — Jason Luke Copy Share Image
“I slapped her across the face. I didn’t think about it, I just did it, and few things in my adult life have given… — Stephen King Copy Share Image
I think the people I talk about are generally so stupid that they don't even know I'm saying bad things about them. I've run… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
At some point during almost every romantic comedy, the female lead suddenly trips and falls, stumbling helplessly over something ridiculous like a leaf, and… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
A federal grand jury is investigating allegations that David Copperfield raped, assaulted and threatened a woman he took to his private island in the… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
It's been my experience that people who make proclamations about themselves are usually the opposite of what they claim to be. If someone is… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
“My mother agreed to aid my abuse of alcohol but only if I promised never to tell my newly converted Mormon sister, whose identity… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
I try to not overthink anything. I don't understand why nipples are nudity. Who cares? Men can show their nipples but if we have… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
Seeing your mother naked is not something you easily recover from. Seeing your mother naked and jumping from one side of a king-sized bed… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
I don't like the word 'alcoholic'. I like to think of myself as an advanced drinker. — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
I can remember my first one-night stand like it was yesterday. Well, maybe not the first. Or the second¦ or the fifth. Ill just… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
“It was quite obvious that without severe behavior modification, this boy would grow up to be a serial killer.” — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
Why he would agree to install an eight-by-eight-foot fish tank and then not fill it with a single dolphin made me want to burn… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
'Mad TV' is one of my most favorite shows of all time and is a huge part of my obsession with sketch comedy. — Shane Dawson Copy Share Image
When you step out and do a song in a musical, the easier thing to do is make it funny. But when those transitions… — Kelli O'Hara Copy Share Image
In my opinion, sexiness comes down to three things: chemistry, sense of humor, and treatment of waitstaff at restaurants. — Rhoda Janzen Copy Share Image
“...I haven't guessed where your shirt is from yet Bane, but I don't think it'll matter once it's underwater!' Tristan looked at Bane questioningly.… — S.K. Munt Copy Share Image
“Be careful about reading health books. Some fine day you'll die of a misprint.” — Markus Herz Copy Share Image
“Not wise, perhaps, to be rude to the Pope's favorite son, but my viper tongue still required a fool now and then on which… — Kate Quinn Copy Share Image
In the future, I would like to do more films with contemporary themes. Perhaps comedy, which is something I have done in theater but… — Luke Evans Copy Share Image
“[S]ometimes, when you are a food person, the possible irrelevance of what you are doing doesn’t cross your mind until it’s too late. (Once,… — Nora Ephron Copy Share Image
If you were to send a werewolf to the moon, would he be a werewolf permanently? — Kristen Schaal Copy Share Image
“ “Do Southerners laugh at different things than Northerners do? Yes, I say--Northerners.” Roy Blount, Jr., Roy Blount’s Book of Southern Humor” — Deborah Ford Copy Share Image
