Kristen Stewart always looks like she's posing for pictures taken in a basement by her creepy uncle. — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
“I had heard my brothers and sisters use curse words but had never dared use one myself in front of anyone. But… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
“It's not the concept of marriage I have a problem with. I'd like to get married too. A couple times. It's the… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
Men don’t realize that if we’re sleeping with them on the first date, we’re probably not interested in seeing them again either. — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
Instead of having a baby, why dont you get a tattoo of a baby first, and see how that works out for… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
Good Luck Chuck, a comedy starring Dane Cook and Jessica Alba, opened today, and critics are saying it has all the belly… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
Most republicans are against contraception because they don't care about it. You can't get pregnant anally anyway. — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
While looking at a website for liposuction, I learned that it was a six-to eight-week recovery period, the clincher being that, during… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
I have more respect for somebody who's like, 'Yeah I like to party, so screw off,' then for Tara , who talks… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
“My mother is European and expresses her love through food and cuddling. She wasn't the type of mother who would make it… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
“This was just the way I imagined myself around Nancy Grace--available, yet distant.” — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
“Seconds later, the female security officer grabbed a pair of my father's shorts from the top of the duffel bag, and emptied… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
“We checked our bags and got on line with some of our fellow passengers. Judging from the looks of them, it was… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
“It was Valentine's Day and I had spent the day in bed with my life partner, Ketel One. The two of us… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
“I don't know who thought up waxing, but it was clearly the same person who invented Vicodin.” — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
“I thought maybe she was trying to be funny but then realized this was impossible to do without a sense of humor.” — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
“This kind of mixing of ingredients happens all the time at fast-food places... You know when you order french fries and there's… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
Paris Hilton is going on a goodwill mission to Rwanda. Its the first time an entire Third World country will have to… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
“By the way he reacted, you would have thought I told him that slavery never happened. He laid into me with the… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
I have no idea why gay men love me, but I would have to assume it's because they know how much I… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
“Yes, of course I want to get married, but does that mean I'm not allowed to go out and have a good… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
I think the people I talk about are generally so stupid that they don't even know I'm saying bad things about them. I've run… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
At some point during almost every romantic comedy, the female lead suddenly trips and falls, stumbling helplessly over something ridiculous like a leaf, and… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
A federal grand jury is investigating allegations that David Copperfield raped, assaulted and threatened a woman he took to his private island in the… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
It's been my experience that people who make proclamations about themselves are usually the opposite of what they claim to be. If someone is… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
“My mother agreed to aid my abuse of alcohol but only if I promised never to tell my newly converted Mormon sister, whose identity… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
I try to not overthink anything. I don't understand why nipples are nudity. Who cares? Men can show their nipples but if we have… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
Seeing your mother naked is not something you easily recover from. Seeing your mother naked and jumping from one side of a king-sized bed… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
I don't like the word 'alcoholic'. I like to think of myself as an advanced drinker. — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
I can remember my first one-night stand like it was yesterday. Well, maybe not the first. Or the second¦ or the fifth. Ill just… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
“It was quite obvious that without severe behavior modification, this boy would grow up to be a serial killer.” — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
Why he would agree to install an eight-by-eight-foot fish tank and then not fill it with a single dolphin made me want to burn… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
