Kristen Stewart always looks like she's posing for pictures taken in a basement by her creepy uncle. — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
“How could I have missed the opportunity to pop pills with my sister who was purer than a Quaker?” — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
He laid into me with the same gusto as a right-wing political pundit on the O'Reilly Factor defending President's Bush right to… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
Paris Hilton is going on a goodwill mission to Rwanda. Its the first time an entire Third World country will have to… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
“My time in heaven was up, and I was being told I wasn't the marrying kind by someone who undresses for a… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
“I had always dreamed of being a professional escort but never thought that there was any real money in it.” — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
Instead of having a baby, why dont you get a tattoo of a baby first, and see how that works out for… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
“I have a question. Is it okay to drink while you're pregnant...if you're planning on giving the baby up for adoption?” — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
“This kind of mixing of ingredients happens all the time at fast-food places... You know when you order french fries and there's… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
Austin and I proceeded to knock back a couple of Ketel One and grapefruit juices, which happened to be my drink of… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
“I didn't really spend much time with anyone my own age during high school because I believed my true calling would be… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
“In fact, we'd discussed marriage on several occasions just because we seemed to get along so well, but after thinking long and… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
“My mother is European and expresses her love through food and cuddling. She wasn't the type of mother who would make it… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
“After discovering him in his threesome, I spent the next two weeks in bed suffering from a severe case of vagina elbow.… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
“I was lying here watching Dr. Phil, who, by the way, has some anger management issues. Doesn't his wife Robin look like… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
I have more respect for somebody who's like, 'Yeah I like to party, so screw off,' then for Tara , who talks… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
I know they don't recommend Ibuprofen during pregnancy, but you needed something fast for the hangovers. — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
“It was quite obvious that without severe behavior modification, this boy would grow up to be a serial killer.” — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
“My mother agreed to aid my abuse of alcohol but only if I promised never to tell my newly converted Mormon sister,… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
“I could tell the raciest things these women had ever been involved in was a co-ed game of Connect Four.” — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
You should never be mean to other girls. I don't care what grade you're in. Be nice to people until you're my… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
“I thought maybe she was trying to be funny but then realized this was impossible to do without a sense of humor.” — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
My tendency to make up stories and lie compulsively for the sake of my own amusement takes up a good portion of… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
While looking at a website for liposuction, I learned that it was a six-to eight-week recovery period, the clincher being that, during… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
I don't appreciate people who celebrate their dog's birthdays with "dog parties," and then invite their friends who don't even have dogs.… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
“I love your personality," I said with wide eyes and an open smile. I had used this look before when a bank… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
“We went to a Barnes and Noble, where I picked up an unauthorized biography of M.C. Hammer, and not wanting to overload… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
I think the people I talk about are generally so stupid that they don't even know I'm saying bad things about them. I've run… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
At some point during almost every romantic comedy, the female lead suddenly trips and falls, stumbling helplessly over something ridiculous like a leaf, and… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
A federal grand jury is investigating allegations that David Copperfield raped, assaulted and threatened a woman he took to his private island in the… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
It's been my experience that people who make proclamations about themselves are usually the opposite of what they claim to be. If someone is… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
“My mother agreed to aid my abuse of alcohol but only if I promised never to tell my newly converted Mormon sister, whose identity… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
I try to not overthink anything. I don't understand why nipples are nudity. Who cares? Men can show their nipples but if we have… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
Seeing your mother naked is not something you easily recover from. Seeing your mother naked and jumping from one side of a king-sized bed… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
I don't like the word 'alcoholic'. I like to think of myself as an advanced drinker. — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
I can remember my first one-night stand like it was yesterday. Well, maybe not the first. Or the second¦ or the fifth. Ill just… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
“It was quite obvious that without severe behavior modification, this boy would grow up to be a serial killer.” — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
Why he would agree to install an eight-by-eight-foot fish tank and then not fill it with a single dolphin made me want to burn… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
My negotiation skills are are on par with George Bush's reading ability. And just like Dubya, every time I've tried to put forth an… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
I will probably have sex with Eminem after the show is over. Probably, I dont see why I wouldnt. Im fair game, its not… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
“I've found that many of the people who have a passion for karaoke too often have misplaced confidence, which can become aggressive and border… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
![“I was lying here watching Dr. Phil, who, by the way, has some anger management issues. Doesn't his wife Robin look like she's been hypnotized? I feel like he goes home and beats her. The guy's an egomaniac and he's not doing a very [sic] job of covering it up by pretending to be interested in…” quote by Chelsea Handler](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/img-quotes/882/chelsea-handler-887_anger-management_i-was-lying-here-watching-dr-phil-who-by_2376624.jpg)
