“Republicans: 'we fought the good fight' - yeah, it woulda been worth it if we could have prevented just one poor kid… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
“If I can't suck your milkshake through a straw, it's not a milkshake--it's a glass of ice cream.” — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
“New Rule: The Jacksons must trot out at least one family member who doesn't make us all ask, "What went on in… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
“If you send more than one news van to cover Dancing with the Stars , then you have to change your name… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
“New Rule: You don't have to put the cap back on the bottled water after every sip. It's water, not a genie.” — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
“New Rule: Whenever you think the Tea Party can't get any dumber, they get dumber. Now they're in love with Donald Trump.… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
“New Rule: Oil companies must stop with the advertisements implying they're friends of the environment. "At Exxon Mobil, we care about a… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
“New Rule: Stop putting psychedelic screensavers on computers. I sit down to check my e-mail, and the next thing I know it's… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
“Stop saying drug use makes people lazy. Jimi Hendrix did a lot of drugs, even though he's been dead for forty years,… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
“New Rule: A dog is the only animal that can get you laid. No offense, parrot guy, but it's not gonna happen.… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
“New Rule: Stop talking about "the gas prices under Obama." As if he's the guy out there changing the numbers on the… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
“Of course, we in the West like to pat ourselves on the back and say we're more tolerant, and we are--but tolerance… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
“For months in the fall of 2001, our highways looked like a county fair on wheels. "Look out, Al-Qaeda---patriot on board!" I… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
“Of course, when you shut off your brain from rational analysis, any book is dangerous. Taking literally ancient parables from thousands of… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
“New Rule: If the guy who makes up the poll questions at CNN doesn't want to do it anymore more, he should… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
The comedy gods are smiling on me tonight, because I have been saying, for the longest time, that president Bush must set… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
“Sticking one's head in the sand is a deep human impulse. Like when you feel some kind of bump or growth on… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
“New Rule: America has every right ot bitch about gas prices suddenly shooting up. How could we have known? Oh, wait, there… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
“New Rule: Apple's next device must be a computer that you control with your tongue. Thanks for eliminating the keyboard and the… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
“New Rule: The person who sat in my seat on the flight before me and could not finish the People magazine crossword… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
“New Rule: Death isn’t always sad. This week, the Reverend Jerry Falwell died, and millions of Americans asked, “Why? Why, God? Why…didn’t… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
"Hi. You know with everything going down in West Palm Beach, and the holidays right around the corner I couldn't think of… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
“New Rule: If one of your news organization's headlines is about who got kicked off Dancing with the Stars last night, you're… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
“New Rule: If you get to serve me a quarter-head of lettuce with dressing on it, which proves you could have made… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
“New Rule: Churches have to stop ringing the damn bells. It was a good idea in the Middle Ages, but people have… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
“New Rule: You don't need a paper shredder. I've seen your mail--it's not that interesting. What are you worried about, that the… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
“New Rule: Americans have to come up with a better cheese to represent the nation than American cheese. I'm not even sure… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
And to answer the question that people have about this conspiracy theory that he has a pack in his back, my answer… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
“New Rule: Colin Firth has to admit that he's not a human being but a robot designed by women as the perfect… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
“New Rule: Instead of killing 99.9 percent of germs, Lysol has to just go ahead and kill them all. Why spare the… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
“New Rule: Stop leaving couches on the sidewalk. Besides being lazy and ugly, it's animal cruelty. You teach your dog not to… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
“New Rule: While you're telling me how your March Madness bracket is doing, you must also fill me in on your vacation… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
“New Rule: There's only one thing to say about the Christian Film and Television Commission giving me the Bigoted Bile Award and… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
“New Rule: Coal companies have to stop calling coal "energy." That's like a lumber company calling wood "fire." Or Budweiser calling beer… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
“New Rule: The White House doesn't have to release the dead Bin Laden photos, but don't pretend we can't take it. We've… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
“New Rule: If we want to find a place to cut government waste, we must start with the DEA rubber duck. Yes,… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
“New Rule: Gun-control people have to stop pressuring Starbucks to ban guns. I want my gun nuts overcaffeinated, twitchy, and accident-prone. That… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
“New Rule: If you're one of the one-in-three married women who say your pet is a better listener than your husband, you… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
A lot of people say they are dyslexic; some have to realize that they are just stupid. — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
I saw this anti-drug commercial that showed a kid smoking pot in his dad's room with his friend. This kid finds a gun, the… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
To all conservative women out there: If you are so sure the embryo needed for stem cell research are precious human life that can't… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
You see, the difference is the Republicans' hatred of Obama is based on a paranoid feeling about what he might do, what he's thinking,… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
New Rule: There is no devil, so stop blaming your screw-ups on him. Last week, one of the biggest evangelical leaders in America, the… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
If we were a dog and God owned us, the cops would come and take us away. — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
“New Rule: The White House doesn't have to release the dead Bin Laden photos, but don't pretend we can't take it. We've seen pictures… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
I don't hate America. I love America. I want it to be better. The only way we can get it to be better is… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
“New Rule: Americans must realize what makes NFL football so great: socialism. That's right, the NFL takes money from the rich teams and gives… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
So many kids are fat drug addicts these days, it's almost as if Rush Limbaugh had puppies. — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
What we don't know is about Jeb Bush and cocaine. But we do know that he did once had his brother Florida on a… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
“I find that the world is changing much, much faster than I can even bitch about it.” — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
