“Claiming "the budget can't allow it" reminds me of when you walk into a restaurant at a civilized hour like ten o'clock… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
“New Rule: Stop talking about "the gas prices under Obama." As if he's the guy out there changing the numbers on the… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
The church has historically been very slow to embrace technology. Until very recently, their idea of a laptop was an altar boy. — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
“New Rule: Gun-control people have to stop pressuring Starbucks to ban guns. I want my gun nuts overcaffeinated, twitchy, and accident-prone. That… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
“New Rule: Apple's next device must be a computer that you control with your tongue. Thanks for eliminating the keyboard and the… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
“New Rule: If you're one of the one-in-three married women who say your pet is a better listener than your husband, you… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
“A diamond may be forever, but terrorism, promiscuously funded, will be too. Let's make the connection clearly by tracing the path of… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
“Stop saying drug use makes people lazy. Jimi Hendrix did a lot of drugs, even though he's been dead for forty years,… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
“Of course, when you shut off your brain from rational analysis, any book is dangerous. Taking literally ancient parables from thousands of… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
“New Rule: It's okay for the president to play ball in the house. It's easy to judge and say this scene detracts… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
“There's an old, frequently-used definition of insanity, which is "performing the same action over and over, expecting different results."... Now, I'm no… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
“New Rule: The person who sat in my seat on the flight before me and could not finish the People magazine crossword… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
“I hate stupidity, but what I hate even more is when people actually brag about it.” — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
“New Rule: Death isn’t always sad. This week, the Reverend Jerry Falwell died, and millions of Americans asked, “Why? Why, God? Why…didn’t… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
“New Rule: Just because a country elects a smart president doesn't make it a smart country. A couple of weeks ago, I… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
“New Rule: Stop lying to me about your pancake mix. The back of the box says 1 1/2 cups makes ten to… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
“And, corny as it may sound, I do cherish the bond between me and the audience, the minority that follows my stuff… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
“New Rule: You can't force the ATM to do something it doesn't want to do. Excuse me, lady in front of me… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
“America is bad at discriminating between danger likely to strike again, and red herrings, the freaking helpings of disaster that no man… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
“New Rule: If the guy who makes up the poll questions at CNN doesn't want to do it anymore more, he should… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
“New Rule: If you get to serve me a quarter-head of lettuce with dressing on it, which proves you could have made… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
“New Rule: You don't need a paper shredder. I've seen your mail--it's not that interesting. What are you worried about, that the… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
“New Rule: Colin Firth has to admit that he's not a human being but a robot designed by women as the perfect… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
“New Rule: Americans have to come up with a better cheese to represent the nation than American cheese. I'm not even sure… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
A lot of people say they are dyslexic; some have to realize that they are just stupid. — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
I saw this anti-drug commercial that showed a kid smoking pot in his dad`s room with his friend. This kid finds a gun, the… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
To all conservative women out there: If you are so sure the embryo needed for stem cell research are precious human life that can't… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
You see, the difference is the Republicans' hatred of Obama is based on a paranoid feeling about what he might do, what he's thinking,… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
New Rule: There is no devil, so stop blaming your screw-ups on him. Last week, one of the biggest evangelical leaders in America, the… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
If we were a dog and God owned us, the cops would come and take us away. — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
“New Rule: The White House doesn't have to release the dead Bin Laden photos, but don't pretend we can't take it. We've seen pictures… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
I don't hate America. I love America. I want it to be better. The only way we can get it to be better is… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
“New Rule: Americans must realize what makes NFL football so great: socialism. That's right, the NFL takes money from the rich teams and gives… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
