I tell ya, I don't get no respect ... Last week, my wife told me that she was going to cut me… — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I tell ya, my wife, we get along good cause we have our own arrangement. I mean, one night a week I… — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I'm at an age where I think more about food than I do about sex. Last week I put a mirror over… — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
If things go right, I'll be there about a week, and if things don't go right, I'll be there about an hour… — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I live in a tough neighborhood. They got a children's zoo. Last week, four kids escaped. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
Last week I told my wife, If you would learn to cook, I could fire the chef. She said, If you could… — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
[on 8/24/04, before entering a Los Angeles hospital for heart valve replacement surgery] If things go right, I'll be there about a… — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
“What a doctor I’ve got—he’s really mixed up. Last week, he grabbed my knee and told me to cough. Then he hit… — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I tell ya, gambling never agreed with me. Last week I went to the track and they shot my horse with the… — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
My golf game is getting real good. Last week, I got through the windmill. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
Last week I was walking by a cemetery, two guys came after me with shovels. It was all about money. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
Last week my tie caught on fire, some guy tried to put it out with an axe. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
Last week I told my psychiatrist, 'I keep thinking about suicide', and he told me from now I have to pay in… — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
For Christmas one year I bought my son a BB gun. He bought me a t-shirt with a bulls eye on the back. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I knew a girl so ugly, she had a face like a saint-a Saint Bernard! — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
Every time I get in an elevator, the operator says the same thing to me: `Basement?' — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
She failed her drivers test. She couldn't get used to the front seat. It took her four lessons to learn to sit up. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I tell ya when I was a kid, all I knew was rejection. My yo-yo, it never came back. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I don't care how rich and successful a man is. He's nothing without an education. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
What a childhood I had. My parents sent me to a child psychiatrist. The kid didn't help me at all. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
One night I came home. I figured, let my wife come on. I'll play it cool. Let her make the first move. She went… — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
