My wife Quotes by Rodney Dangerfield

My wife's so dumb, she got a nail in the spare!!

— Rodney Dangerfield

My wife and I have Olympic sex. Once every four years.

— Rodney Dangerfield

My wife gives good headache.

— Rodney Dangerfield

I asked my wife, 'Is there somebody else?' She said, 'There MUST be.'

— Rodney Dangerfield

I tell ya, with my wife, I got no sex life. Her favorite position is facing Bloomingdale's.

— Rodney Dangerfield

I asked him "Who said you could fool around with my wife" he said everybody.

— Rodney Dangerfield

I told my doctor I think my wife has VD. He gave himself a shot of penicillin.

— Rodney Dangerfield

My wife and I keep fighting about sex and money. I think she charges me too much.

— Rodney Dangerfield

With sex my wife thinks twice before she turns me down. Yeah, once in the morning and once at night.

— Rodney Dangerfield

My wife she's fat. Why, if she lost a few pounds, she'd be perfectly round.

— Rodney Dangerfield

I tell ya, my wife's a lousy cook. After dinner, I don't brush my teeth. I count them.

— Rodney Dangerfield

I got my first break and became a singing waiter at eighteen or nineteen. I couldn't make a living at it. I…

— Rodney Dangerfield

My wife isn't very bright. The other day she was at the store, and just as she was heading for our car,…

— Rodney Dangerfield

All my wife and I do is fight about sex. The other night, we really had it out. Well, I'll put it…

— Rodney Dangerfield

...went to a bar for a few drinks. The bartender asked what I wanted. "Surprise me", I said. So he showed me…

— Rodney Dangerfield

Last week I told my wife, If you would learn to cook, I could fire the chef. She said, If you could…

— Rodney Dangerfield

My sex life is terrible; my wife put a mirror over the dog's bed. Actually she did put a mirror over our…

— Rodney Dangerfield

My wife is so fat that when she lays on the beach the people feel sorry for her and try to roll…

— Rodney Dangerfield

We learned sexual technique from our dog. He taught how to beg, and he taught my wife how to roll over and…

— Rodney Dangerfield

I tell ya, I don't get no respect ... Last week, my wife told me that she was going to cut me…

— Rodney Dangerfield

My wife has to be the worst cook. I don't believe meatloaf should glow in the dark

— Rodney Dangerfield

My wife has to be the worst cook. I've got the only dog who begs for alka-seltzer.

— Rodney Dangerfield

My wife can't cook at all. She made chocolate mousse. An antler got stuck in my throat.

— Rodney Dangerfield

I shouldn't tell jokes about my wife. she's attached to a machine that keeps her alive... The refrigerator.

— Rodney Dangerfield

There's only one thing wrong with my wife's face - it shows.

— Rodney Dangerfield

I told my wife a man is like wine, he gets better with age. She locked me in the cellar.

— Rodney Dangerfield

My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.

— Rodney Dangerfield

When we got married my wife told me I was one in a million. I found out she was right.

— Rodney Dangerfield

I was making love to my wife the other night, I looked up. She was on the phone.

— Rodney Dangerfield

I think my wife is cheating on me, the only thing the parrot knows how to say is, quick out the window.

— Rodney Dangerfield

I told my wife 'hey honey come on, let's make love like the old days.' She asked me for 50 bucks.

— Rodney Dangerfield

One time I went to a hotel. I asked the bellhop to handle my bag. He felt up my wife!

— Rodney Dangerfield

I'll tell you one thing, I know how to satisfy my wife in bed, yeah, I leave.

— Rodney Dangerfield

My wife has to be the worst cook. In my house, we pray after we eat.

— Rodney Dangerfield

My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night it was to time an egg.

— Rodney Dangerfield

Sure I smoked pot in hospital. My wife won't let me toke at home.

— Rodney Dangerfield

I asked my wife if she would put out the garbage. she said why should I you never put out for me.

— Rodney Dangerfield

My wife says 90% of sex occurs between the ears. But I need a girl who can blow more just my mind.

— Rodney Dangerfield

My wife is so fat that the last time I saw something that big it was grazing.

— Rodney Dangerfield

My wife has cut our lovemaking down to once a month, but I know two guys she's cut out entirely.

— Rodney Dangerfield