My wife has to be the worst cook. In my house, we pray after we eat. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I shouldn't tell jokes about my wife. she's attached to a machine that keeps her alive... The refrigerator. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
Last week I told my wife, If you would learn to cook, I could fire the chef. She said, If you could… — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
Last time I tried to make love to my wife nothing happened, so I said to her, 'What's the matter, you can't… — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I was making love to my wife the other night, I looked up. She was on the phone. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
We learned sexual technique from our dog. He taught how to beg, and he taught my wife how to roll over and… — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
My wife is so fat that when she lays on the beach the people feel sorry for her and try to roll… — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
My wife isn't very bright. The other day she was at the store, and just as she was heading for our car,… — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
My sex life is terrible; my wife put a mirror over the dog's bed. Actually she did put a mirror over our… — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I got my first break and became a singing waiter at eighteen or nineteen. I couldn't make a living at it. I… — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I tell ya, my wife's a lousy cook. After dinner, I don't brush my teeth. I count them. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I asked my wife, 'On a scale of 1 to 10, how do you rate me as a lover?' She said, 'You… — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
My wife she's fat. Why, if she lost a few pounds, she'd be perfectly round. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
My wife is so fat that the last time I saw something that big it was grazing. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I'll tell you one thing, I know how to satisfy my wife in bed, yeah, I leave. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I asked my wife if she would put out the garbage. she said why should I you never put out for me. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I walked in on my wife and the milkman, the first thing she says is "don't tell the butcher"! — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
Sure I smoked pot in hospital. My wife won't let me toke at home. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
My wife has cut our lovemaking down to once a month, but I know two guys she's cut out entirely. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
My wife has to be the worst cook. I don't believe meatloaf should glow in the dark — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
For Christmas one year I bought my son a BB gun. He bought me a t-shirt with a bulls eye on the back. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I knew a girl so ugly, she had a face like a saint-a Saint Bernard! — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
Every time I get in an elevator, the operator says the same thing to me: `Basement?' — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
She failed her drivers test. She couldn't get used to the front seat. It took her four lessons to learn to sit up. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I tell ya when I was a kid, all I knew was rejection. My yo-yo, it never came back. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I don't care how rich and successful a man is. He's nothing without an education. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
What a childhood I had. My parents sent me to a child psychiatrist. The kid didn't help me at all. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
One night I came home. I figured, let my wife come on. I'll play it cool. Let her make the first move. She went… — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
