I have an idea for sweatshops: air conditioning! That's simple. 14 year old boys working twelve hour days? "Yeah, but they're comfortable!" — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I wrote a script, and I gave it to a guy who reads scripts, and he read it, and he liked it,… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
When it comes to racism, you hear people say, "I don't care if people are white, black, purple or green." Hold on,… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
So, I sit at the hotel at night and I think of something that's funny. Or, If the pen is too far… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I would not want to be a mobile home repo man. Those would be hard to sneak away - "Knock knock -… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I have an underwater camera just in case I crash my car into a river, and at the last minute I see… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
A lot of bands have intense names, like "Rigor Mortis" or "Mortuary". We weren't that intense, we called ourselves "Injured". Later on… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I have a few cavities. I don't like to call them cavities, though - I like to call them 'places to put… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I thought I'd go to a craft fair, and there would be a jar of jellybeans there - "Guess how many jellybeans… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I was on a bus once, it was in the middle of the night, and I had a box of crackers and… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I'm always on the road, and I drive rental cars. Sometimes I don't know what's going on with the car, and I'll… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I have an oscillating fan at my house. It goes back and forth. It looks like the fan is saying "no." So… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
You know crazy straws - they go all over the place? These straws are sane. They never lost their mind. They say,… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
The next time I move I hope I get a real easy phone number, something like 2222222. People will ask, "Mitch, how… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I sometimes close my eyes during a show because I have drawn a picture of an audience enjoying the show more on… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I got an ant farm. Them fellas didn't grow anything. Hey, how about some celery? Plus, if I tore your legs off,… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? That joke came off the top of my head, and… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I thought my teeth were white until I washed my face with Noxzema. My teeth are off-white. I'm not even white. I'm… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
That would be cool if the earth's crust was made out of graham cracker. It would disappear just like the ozone layer,… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
When you go to a bar that has a black light, everybody looks cool. Except for me, because I was under the… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I make myself a bowl of instant oatmeal, and then I don't do anything for an hour. Why do I need the… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I used to drink wine. This girl asked me, "Doesn't wine give you a headache?" "Yeah, eventually, but the first and the… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I hate arrows. They try to tell me which direction to go. It's like "I ain't going that way, line with two… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
When I was on acid, I would see things like beams of light and I would hear sounds that sounded an awful… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I went to a cigar store, the man behind the counter asked me, "What kind of cigars do you like?" I answered,… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I don't own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know, all the time. If someone wants… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I've never been to a hotel with a rotating restaurant on top, but one time I took my girlfriend to a merry-go-round,… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I like to smoke a pipe, because it's the punch line indicator. Whenever I take a hit of the pipe, you should… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
Magicians disappear all the time, but as soon as a regular person does it, everyone is all scared. "Tom's gone!" "Is he… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I don't wear a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same. So if somebody asks me what time it is, I… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
There was a product on late night TV that you could attach to your garden hose - "You can water your hard-to-reach plants with… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
Imagine if you were a drummer, and you accidentally picked up two magic wands instead of sticks. There you are, keeping the beat, the… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I like wearing necklaces, because it lets me know when I'm upside down. — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I'm sick of Soup Of The Day, man. It's time we make a decision. I need to know what Soup From Now On is. — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I have a friend who is a juggler. If I'm at his house, I don't like to take food from him, if it's in… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I don't get the regular AIDS test anymore. I get the roundabout AIDS test. I ask my friend Brian, "Do you know anybody who… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I don't know how to fix a car. If the car breaks down, and the gas tank does not say "E", I'm screwed. But… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
What's a sesame seed grow into? I don't know we never give them a chance, what the fuck is a sesame?! It's a street...… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I went to a restaurant with my friend, and he said, "Pass the salt." I said, "Screw you! Sit closer to the salt." — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
