A friend said to me, "I think the weather is trippy." I said, "No, man, it's not the weather that's trippy, perhaps… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I went to a cigar store, the man behind the counter asked me, "What kind of cigars do you like?" I answered,… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
Some comics get drunk before a show. I don't. When I get drunk, I don't want to stand in front of a… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I used to drink wine. This girl asked me, "Doesn't wine give you a headache?" "Yeah, eventually, but the first and the… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I went to a heavy metal concert. The singer yelled out, "How many of you people feel like human beings tonight?" And… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
The commercial for Diet Dr. Pepper says it tastes just like regular Dr. Pepper. Well, then they screwed up! — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
As an adult, I'm not supposed to go down slides. So if I'm at the top of a slide, I have to… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I was in a convenience store, reading a magazine. The clerk told me, "this is not a library!" "OK! I will talk… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
A minibar is a machine that makes everything expensive. When I take something out of the minibar, I always fathom that I'll… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
Sometimes I get really lonely. Especially when I'm throwing a Frisbee. — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I want to make a vending machine that sells vending machines. It'd have to be real big. — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I have a few cavities. I don't like to call them cavities, though - I like to call them 'places to put… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I don't like grouper fish. Well, they're okay. They hang around star fish. Because they're grouper fish. — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I've never been to a hotel with a rotating restaurant on top, but one time I took my girlfriend to a merry-go-round,… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I was at a bar, and this guy bumped into me, and he did not apologize, and he said, "Move!" I thought… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
A lot of bands have intense names, like "Rigor Mortis" or "Mortuary". We weren't that intense, we called ourselves "Injured". Later on… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I had a Velcro wallet in a casino. That sound annoyed the hell out of me. Whenever I lost money, and I… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
People ask me for my autograph after a show. I'm not famous, I think they're messing with me. I think they're trying… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I don't wear a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same. So if somebody asks me what time it is, I… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
There was a product on late night TV that you could attach to your garden hose - "You can water your hard-to-reach plants with… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
Imagine if you were a drummer, and you accidentally picked up two magic wands instead of sticks. There you are, keeping the beat, the… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I like wearing necklaces, because it lets me know when I'm upside down. — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I'm sick of Soup Of The Day, man. It's time we make a decision. I need to know what Soup From Now On is. — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I have a friend who is a juggler. If I'm at his house, I don't like to take food from him, if it's in… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I don't get the regular AIDS test anymore. I get the roundabout AIDS test. I ask my friend Brian, "Do you know anybody who… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I don't know how to fix a car. If the car breaks down, and the gas tank does not say "E", I'm screwed. But… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
What's a sesame seed grow into? I don't know we never give them a chance, what the fuck is a sesame?! It's a street...… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I went to a restaurant with my friend, and he said, "Pass the salt." I said, "Screw you! Sit closer to the salt." — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
