I like to smoke a pipe, because it's the punch line indicator. Whenever I take a hit of the pipe, you should… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I find that a duck's opinion of me is influenced by whether or not I have bread. A duck loves bread, but… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I didn't go to college, but if I did, I would've taken all my tests at a restaurant, 'cause 'The customer is… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I went to England to tell jokes, and I wanted to tell my Smokey the Bear joke, but I had to ask… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
If you're watching a parade, don't follow it. It never changes. If the parade is boring, run in the opposite direction. You… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I've always wanted to have a suitcase handcuffed to my wrist. That's not a full joke there! It's filler. — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I bought a scratch off lottery ticket, but then I accidentally spilled calamine lotion on it, so it did not need to… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
People think I'm into sports because I'm a man. But I'm not into sports. I like Gatorade, but that's about as far… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I went to the Home Depot, which was unnecessary. I need to go to the Apartment Depot. Which is just a big… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I like Kinko's, because they're open 24 hours. If it's 5 am and I decide I need two of something, I'm covered!… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I miss the $2 bill, 'cause I can break a two. $20, no. $10, no. $5, maybe, $2? Oh yeah. What do… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I hate sandwiches at New York delis. Too much meat on the sandwich. It's like a cow with a cracker on either… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I got a hotel room at New York New York in Las Vegas and I was very happy. They've got that rollercoaster… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I like those blow-up beds. "This becomes a full size bed in three minutes!" Well, a mattress kicks your ass. Zero seconds.… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I like it when you buy something and pay with a credit card, they put your credit card on the receipt, but… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I met this girl, she was an actress, and she gave me her number. It started with 555. — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
When I get a cold sore, I put Carmex on it, because Carmex is supposed to alleviate cold sores. I don't know… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
Comedy clubs have brick walls behind the performer. Bricks make you funny. When I'm in front of a fireplace, I'm hilarious. — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I don't own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know, all the time. If someone wants… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I don't wear a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same. So if somebody asks me what time it is, I… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
There was a product on late night TV that you could attach to your garden hose - "You can water your hard-to-reach plants with… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
Imagine if you were a drummer, and you accidentally picked up two magic wands instead of sticks. There you are, keeping the beat, the… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I like wearing necklaces, because it lets me know when I'm upside down. — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I'm sick of Soup Of The Day, man. It's time we make a decision. I need to know what Soup From Now On is. — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I have a friend who is a juggler. If I'm at his house, I don't like to take food from him, if it's in… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I don't get the regular AIDS test anymore. I get the roundabout AIDS test. I ask my friend Brian, "Do you know anybody who… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I don't know how to fix a car. If the car breaks down, and the gas tank does not say "E", I'm screwed. But… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
What's a sesame seed grow into? I don't know we never give them a chance, what the fuck is a sesame?! It's a street...… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I went to a restaurant with my friend, and he said, "Pass the salt." I said, "Screw you! Sit closer to the salt." — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
