Funny Quotes by Mitch Hedberg · Page 4

You should never tell someone they have a nice dimple, because maybe they were shot in the face with a BB gun.

— Mitch Hedberg

Mr. Pibb is a poor imitation of Dr. Pepper. Dude didn't even get his degree.

— Mitch Hedberg

If you have to release bad news to the public, it would help if you are not ugly.

— Mitch Hedberg

Sometimes I fall asleep at night with my clothes on. I'm going to have all my clothes made out of blankets.

— Mitch Hedberg

A fly was very close to being called a land, because that's what it does half the time.

— Mitch Hedberg

When I was a boy, I laid in my twin-sized bed and wondered where my brother was.

— Mitch Hedberg

I went to a tent store. "What kind of tent do you need?" "Circus."

— Mitch Hedberg

Because of acid, I now know that butter is way better than margarine.

— Mitch Hedberg

I wanna hang a map of the world in my house. Then I'm gonna put pins into all the locations that I've…

— Mitch Hedberg

I hate sandwiches at New York delis. Too much meat on the sandwich. It's like a cow with a cracker on either…

— Mitch Hedberg

A lot of bands have intense names, like "Rigor Mortis" or "Mortuary". We weren't that intense, we called ourselves "Injured". Later on…

— Mitch Hedberg

I have an underwater camera just in case I crash my car into a river, and at the last minute I see…

— Mitch Hedberg

I would not want to be a mobile home repo man. Those would be hard to sneak away - "Knock knock -…

— Mitch Hedberg

When it comes to racism, you hear people say, "I don't care if people are white, black, purple or green." Hold on,…

— Mitch Hedberg

So, I sit at the hotel at night and I think of something that's funny. Or, If the pen is too far…

— Mitch Hedberg

At my hotel room, my friend came over and asked to use the phone. I said Certainly. He said Do I need…

— Mitch Hedberg

I made $3,000 opening for the Neville Brothers, and they paid me in cash. That was a bad situation, because I bought…

— Mitch Hedberg

I walked by a dry cleaner at 3 am, and there was a sign: "Sorry, we're closed" You don't have to be…

— Mitch Hedberg

Has anyone seen me on Letterman? Two million people watch that show and I don't know where they are. You might have…

— Mitch Hedberg

If you don't know a light bulb is a three-way light bulb, it messes with your head. You reach to turn it…

— Mitch Hedberg

As an adult, I'm not supposed to go down slides. So if I'm at the top of a slide, I have to…

— Mitch Hedberg

I never joined the army because at ease was never that easy to me. Seemed rather uptight still. I don't relax by…

— Mitch Hedberg

I had a box of Ritz crackers, and on the back of the box, they had all these suggestions for what to…

— Mitch Hedberg

A friend gave me a drug for attention deficit disorder, because he's afflicted, but I'm not. So what happened to me is…

— Mitch Hedberg

I think animal crackers make people think that all animals taste the same.

— Mitch Hedberg

Yeah, I'm not into sports. If someone told me I had athlete's foot, I'd say that's not my foot!

— Mitch Hedberg

Cavities are made by sugar. So if you need to dig a hole, then lay down some candy bars!

— Mitch Hedberg

I had the cab driver drive me here backwards, and the dude owed me $27.50.

— Mitch Hedberg

I was going to get my teeth whitened, but I said, "I'll just get a tan instead."

— Mitch Hedberg

I got a smoke alarm at home, but really it's more like a 9-volt-battery-slowly-drainer.

— Mitch Hedberg

I got my hair highlighted because I felt some strands were more important than others.

— Mitch Hedberg

I'm a hard act to follow, because when I'm done, I take the microphone with me.

— Mitch Hedberg

I cannot tell you what hotel I'm staying at, but there are two trees involved.

— Mitch Hedberg

I tried to walk into Target, but I missed. I think the entrance to Target should have people splattered all around.

— Mitch Hedberg

Mitch”, but then reattach it and call it “Mitch-all-together.

— Mitch Hedberg

I am wearing a vest. If I had no arms, it would be a jacket.

— Mitch Hedberg

Here's a thought for sweat shop owners: Air Conditioning. Problem solved.

— Mitch Hedberg

I hate flossing, I wish I just had one long curvy tooth. They didn't have to make separations for me.

— Mitch Hedberg

I put fruit on top of my waffles, because I want something to brush off.

— Mitch Hedberg

I don't have a microwave oven, but I do have a clock that occasionally cooks stuff.

— Mitch Hedberg