Here's a thought for sweat shop owners: Air Conditioning. Problem solved. — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I cannot tell you what hotel I'm staying at, but there are two trees involved. — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I tried to walk into Target, but I missed. I think the entrance to Target should have people splattered all around. — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
A fly was very close to being called a land, because that's what it does half the time. — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
When I was a boy, I laid in my twin-sized bed and wondered where my brother was. — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
If you're watching a parade, don't follow it. It never changes. If the parade is boring, run in the opposite direction. You… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I called the hotel operator and she said, "How can I direct your call?" I said, "Well, you could say 'Action!', and… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I use the word totally too much. I need to change it up and use a word that is different but has… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I want to get a job naming kitchen appliances. That seems easy; refrigerator, toaster, blender. You just say what the thing does… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
My sister wanted to be an actress. She never made it, but she does live in a trailer... so she got halfway.… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
There's a guy in the audience with a distinctive laugh. I hope that guy is miked. The only problem with having a… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
If a drink was ice cold, it would be impossible to drink. Because it would be solid. Here's a drink, Mitch -… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
Every McDonald's commercial ends the same way: Prices and participation may vary. I wanna open a McDonald's and not participate in anything.… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I like when they say a movie is inspired by a true story. That's kind of silly. "Hey, Mitch, did you hear… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
This product that was on TV was available for four easy payments of $19.95. I would like a product that was available… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I was at a restaurant, and I ordered a chicken sandwich, but I don't think the waitress understood me. She asked me,… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I went to a pizzeria. The guy gave me the smallest slice possible. If the pizza was a pie chart with what… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
As an adult, I'm not supposed to go down slides. So if I'm at the top of a slide, I have to… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
If you don't know a light bulb is a three-way light bulb, it messes with your head. You reach to turn it… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
A friend gave me a drug for attention deficit disorder, because he's afflicted, but I'm not. So what happened to me is… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I had a box of Ritz crackers, and on the back of the box, they had all these suggestions for what to… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
Sometimes I fall asleep at night with my clothes on. I'm going to have all my clothes made out of blankets. — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I think animal crackers make people think that all animals taste the same. — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
Because of acid, I now know that butter is way better than margarine. — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I would like it if four people did a cartwheel all at once... so I can make a cart. — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I want to make a vending machine that sells vending machines. It'd have to be real big. — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
What am I drinking? NyQuil on the rocks, for when you're feeling sick but sociable. — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I've always wanted to have a suitcase handcuffed to my wrist. That's not a full joke there! It's filler. — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
If you have to release bad news to the public, it would help if you are not ugly. — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
Mr. Pibb is a poor imitation of Dr. Pepper. Dude didn't even get his degree. — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
You should never tell someone they have a nice dimple, because maybe they were shot in the face with a BB gun. — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
XM radio doesn't have commercials, so after about thirty minutes of listening to it, I'm like, "What should I buy?" — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
My manager said, "Don't use liquor as a crutch!" I can't use liquor as a crutch, because a crutch helps me walk. — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I would like to go fishing and catch a fish stick. That would be convenient. I could easily get a job at… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
One time I was forced to go to the doctors because of a sports accident. Herpes. — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, "Dude, you have to wait". — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I don't wear a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same. So if somebody asks me what time it is, I… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
There was a product on late night TV that you could attach to your garden hose - "You can water your hard-to-reach plants with… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
Imagine if you were a drummer, and you accidentally picked up two magic wands instead of sticks. There you are, keeping the beat, the… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I like wearing necklaces, because it lets me know when I'm upside down. — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I'm sick of Soup Of The Day, man. It's time we make a decision. I need to know what Soup From Now On is. — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I have a friend who is a juggler. If I'm at his house, I don't like to take food from him, if it's in… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I don't get the regular AIDS test anymore. I get the roundabout AIDS test. I ask my friend Brian, "Do you know anybody who… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I don't know how to fix a car. If the car breaks down, and the gas tank does not say "E", I'm screwed. But… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
What's a sesame seed grow into? I don't know we never give them a chance, what the fuck is a sesame?! It's a street...… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I went to a restaurant with my friend, and he said, "Pass the salt." I said, "Screw you! Sit closer to the salt." — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
