Marriage is better than leprosy only because it's easier to get rid of. — W. C. Fields Copy Share Image
Few things in life are more embarrassing than the necessity of having to inform an old friend that you have just got… — W. C. Fields Copy Share Image
Show me a great actor and I'll show you a lousy husband. Show me a great actress, and you've seen the devil. — W. C. Fields Copy Share Image
The nation needs to return to the colonial way of life, when a wife was judged by the amount of wood she… — W. C. Fields Copy Share Image
I was married once--in San Francisco. I haven't seen her for many years. The great earthquake and fire in 1906 destroyed the… — W. C. Fields Copy Share Image
I believe in tying the marriage knot, as long as it's around the woman's neck — W. C. Fields Copy Share Image
Women are like elephants to me. I like to look at them, but I wouldn't want to own one. — W. C. Fields Copy Share Image
If it is a joint return, we are instructed to print the given names of both husband and wife. But since some… — W. C. Fields Copy Share Image
It was a marriage of convenience, as my father had a blister on his big toe and couldn't travel far to find… — W. C. Fields Copy Share Image
Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's house unless they have a well-stocked bar. — W. C. Fields Copy Share Image
There comes a time in the affairs of man when he must take the bull by the tail and face the situation. — W. C. Fields Copy Share Image
I feel like a midget with muddy feet had been walking over my tongue all night. — W. C. Fields Copy Share Image
What would you do if you were President, and, on the first day of May, the Russian Ambassador presented you with a beautiful cake… — W. C. Fields Copy Share Image
My illness is due to my doctor's insistence that I drink milk, a whitish fluid they force down helpless babies. — W. C. Fields Copy Share Image
I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison. — W. C. Fields Copy Share Image
Bert Williams was the funniest man I ever saw and the saddest man I ever knew. — W. C. Fields Copy Share Image
A comic should suffer as much over a single line as a man with a hernia would in picking up a heavy barbell. — W. C. Fields Copy Share Image
Back in my rummy days, I would tremble and shake for hours upon arising. It was the only exercise I got. — W. C. Fields Copy Share Image
